mar17

I've recently been listening to stories about hard times in other peoples lives, and my mind eventually made the connection that these times really come and go for everyone. Right now I'm going through a difficult period, and one day it'll pass and things will be better. And there are so many people who have it way, way worse than me right now, and chances are I'll go through even harder times someday. I don't say that to invalidate what I'm going through now but to put it into a more broad and tolerable perspective.

I've said this before and I'll say it again - I've been too self absorbed for too long. I do think it's been necessary and beneficial in a way, so I could feel a lot of suppressed feelings and get to know/understand my mind better. But I've definitely been far more prone to getting swept away in my own experience - or rather, my thoughts and feelings. I've been stressed by these thoughts and feelings, and it's starting to impact my self care and interactions with others.

As of today I'm making a conscious decision to move through this with more grace and patience. I will no longer indulge in impulsive, frenetic or anxious reactivity, but take things one step at a time, one day at a time, and trust that things will work out, and that it will work out far better and quicker if I'm taking good care of myself instead of freaking and stressing out. Basically, instead of spiralling I will consciously nurture upward mobility, or at least stop watering the seeds of deterioration with anxiety, fear and reactivity.

Grace is a quality I admire. When any living being is able to be with its reality, especially when it involves suffering, fear, pain, or impending doom, and stay connected to its senses and dignity rather than succumbing to panic and despair. I admire that, and I'm choosing grace now.

Maybe it's ego. Maybe I'm denying my feelings and humanness in favor of an imposed ideal. Maybe I'm trying to seem stronger than I really feel. Maybe. But I'm still going to give myself room to break down, feel like shit, cry and otherwise express whatever feelings come up. I'm just not going to let that overwhelm me and influence how I move through the world and engage with others anymore. I'm not going to unconsciously seek their help or pity so I can have the burden of responsibility lifted off my shoulders. I'll be respectful of their experience and freedom, and trust myself and Life to take care of me.

Over the past couple days I've been working away at something that I initially felt overwhelmed by. Once I really recognized and accepted that it was up to me I finally started at it anyways, and it ended up turning out pretty dang good. So I can do this. I just need to do it. And I will.

And once things have stabilized, I'll look into things I can put my attention towards that will pull it out of self analysis. Things that are resonant and fun that have nothing to do with dissecting myself and the past.

Someone opened my mind today to the fact that I've essentially been suffering my self - suffering the self concept, the sense of self, the I. They reminded me that this sense of self is really just a bundle of ideas, judgments, interpretations, and that it really isn't needed and is in-fact a hindrance to clarity, peace and optimal functioning. My suffering is coming from faulty beliefs and judgments that are better off let go of.

So I have two primary practices as of today - grace, and dropping the self concept. Just being with what's arising, however that may be, without giving undue reality to the analyzing/judging function of the mind. Grace likely arises naturally from this anyways, since its only ever the sense of self/self concept that feels psychologically threatened, isolated and insecure. And without those feelings, grace is there, naturally. It doesn't need to be superimposed over fear because fear isn't lingering in the first place, because there's nobody to be afraid for very long. There's just this - experiencing - living - being, unbounded and undefined. Not by thoughts, not by past experiences, not by the judgments of others, not by any words or limited concepts at all.

Remove the judgments, and there is Freedom. Remove the judgments, and there is only This. Remove the judgments, and there is only Life. Remove the judgments, and there is only What Is. Remove the judgments, and there is only Suchness, or God, or Tao, or Buddha-Nature, or Christ, or Whatever. Remove the judgments, and there is nothing to fear, nothing to hold onto, nothing to lose, and nothing to gain. There's just okayness, and acceptance of what is, which is "Self Acceptance" in the truest sense. No longer dividing this from that, self from not self, okay from not okay, acceptable from unacceptable, Life from death.

Am I getting too esoteric again? Maybeh...