jan12

Everyone is pre-programmed with certain things they're drawn to, enjoy and are naturally good at. It's pretty fascinating when I really think about it, sort of like a chicken and egg situation. Which came first - the external thing we're drawn to or the capacity to excel in it?

I've lived most of my life trying to force myself into things that I'm not naturally suited for. Naturally I've felt relatively clumsy, incapable and stupid the whole way, and like everything was a bore and slog. I figured that was just how things were for me, but it turns out I was just doing things I'm not really suited for.

Recently I've been taking stock of what I'm naturally drawn to, enjoy and have some natural competence/talent with. The list isn't long, and almost none of it are things that I was taught to value and explore (some of them I've even learned to find embarrassing or useless). In a way they come so naturally that I undervalue them, especially since I haven't honed any of them enough to be really great. Still, it's a new and compelling experience to be spending more time in environments centered around these things and finding myself effortlessly doing well and improving, even though it almost feels wrong because I haven't earned it through hard (or rather hard-feeling) work. Aside from my nerves at times it just comes easily, and usually I find myself enjoying the process even if others I know would find it boring or tedious.

I'm looking forward to putting more time towards exploring these things and shaping my life around them in a way. It's not at all what I was raised to see value in and all of it feels pretty vulnerable for me to share with others. I wonder if that's part of it, that these things are closest to my heart so I feel most afraid to share them? But they're also what will make me feel most alive and fulfilled? Makes sense in a way...