jan16

It's comforting somehow to realize, or maybe remember, that no one can ever really know or be known completely by someone else. All we can really see are observed qualities, patterns, appearances, expressions, feelings which we guage in relation to what we've already experienced. So we mostly come to know our own thoughts and judgments projected outward. The underlying essence is always indefinable and coated in different layers of impressions.

When we experience or express judgments, whether positively or negatively, we're projecting thoughts and feelings. It has nothing to do with who we really are, so it's not worth carrying as part of a self-concept. It's a fleeting thing, whether in the form of praise or blame. We rationalize why we like or dislike but the real reasons are often out of our conscious awareness. Maybe some quality reminds us of someone we were once loved or hurt by or were just taught to see as good or bad. So we're drawn to or repelled by them, and we rationalize. It's because of x, y, and z, but really we don't know. So judgments, whether for or against, don't matter. They're just mental junk.

It's freeing to consider that. Judgments are projected thoughts/feelings, whether onto others or oneself. And thoughts/feelings are mostly conditioned associations. They have as much weight and meaning as they're given, and I can decide that they're just whisps of meaningless smoke passing through. I don't need to accept either praise or blame, meaning that I don't need to get inflated or deflated by judgments. Meaning that I can just be, however that appears to others' and my own judgments in each moment. I don't need to give weight/authority/power to them, meaning I can be more free and at ease however I am and appear. All value judgments can be disregarded. At most they show whether someone thinks/feels good or bad about/around us based on the unconscious contents being stirred in the moment. The specific expressions are basically arbitrary.

I still put too much weight to projections being tossed around, if I can still be hurt or inflated by them. If I still give them any meaning at all, beyond someone either using them to to draw in or repel.

I try not to be manipulated by words anymore, or manipulate with them. I try to catch it now - why are they saying this, or why am I thinking of saying that? Often it's not to express something true but to influence someone's perception and/or feelings in our favor. When I notice this in myself these days, I usually let the thought go without acting on it. Just the old tricks, trying to get things to work out in my favor, not realizing it always comes back to bite me in the ass later. When I try to force anything I pay for it sooner or later, often just by being drained and irritated by my own acting and what it's reflecting back. Using the "right" words and gestures rather than authentic ones because I want something out of it. Because I'm not being real - I'm temporarily forcing something inauthentic to influence things in ways that the ego perceives as more favorable, and which always turn out to be shortsighted.

So I tend to let things go/be now and trust that it's for the best even if I don't get what my thoughts are compelling me to get and could do more to nudge things in my favor. I still slip here and there though, mostly out of sheer force of habit but I'm also not always feeling so trusting and secure. Sometimes it feels like I don't know how to move things forward with others anymore, but movement still happens without effort. It's all pretty strange. Sometimes I worry that I'm not really close to anyone at the moment, like if I need someone they might not want to help. But at the same time, I really don't want what comes with close relationships at the moment. I want as much space, freedom and solitude as I can get right now, so the way things are is pretty much perfect. It's just my own fear, insecurity and lack of trust projecting negative potential outcomes into the future. What if this happens, what if that happens, and people don't like me enough to have my back? And then I'm tempted to start acting - using my personality to secure relationships. And then I get frustrated by the burdens that I've taken on in drawing others into my life who didn't enter it by my being natural, and who are now expecting me to continue acting unnaturally with them.

I don't want to act anymore - I want to relax. I've become so sensitive to picking up when I'm forcing myself to smile or or talk or do things. I'm so tired of that shit but it can take over if I'm not alert. All it takes is a second. I want to relax and be myself now, even if it comes off as dull or weird or whatever other judgments. And to do that I need to have a baseline of trust that I don't need to act other than I am to get my needs met. That I can get what I want and need through being myself, through being true and being relaxed. It's just not how I learned to engage with life. I was conditioned to believe that it's necessary to put a ton of energy and effort into acting in certain ways and enmeshing codependently with others to get my needs met. That I have to be someone I'm not and do things I don't really want to do to be okay. I was taught, basically, that that's what it is to be a good friend and person. To act, regardless of how I really feel.

I don't believe it anymore. It's not a good way to live. It's really quite horrible, no matter the payoffs it may seem to bring.

So others can only know me as deeply as they know themselves and vice versa. Judgments are essentially arbitrary projections of thoughts and feelings. Praise and blame both only have as much meaning and power as they're given, and both are inherently deceptive/untrue. I am as I am, and I am not what can be perceived and judged. I don't need to manipulate/act/be someone I'm not to get my needs met, or to invite/avoid judgments which are meaningless. I can relax and be myself and still be taken care of/take care of myself. It'll just take time to adjust to that way of living. It'll continue settling into place naturally as self awareness and acceptance grows.