jan18

Dreamt that I was watching characters on a train talk about the unreality of things constructed for the average person in the world. I woke up in my room then closed my eyes, felt the vibrations of sleep coming on and had the thought "oh, I could go into a lucid dream" but felt wary since in past attempts something would spook me (sleep paralysis, visual/auditory phenomena). Then I had/heard the thought "it wasn't a scary one, just try it out", so I did. I felt some apprehension but stayed still and told myself "it's just fear, it's just thoughts" and stayed with the vibrations. It felt like my tongue was huge in my mouth, the vibrations spread and all was white/gray static, then I transitioned into the dream, or rather the dream images formed in the blank space of awareness. Consciousness was steady/unbroken from the previous dream, to my room, into the white/gray of the vibration space where I felt the flickers of fear, then the fading out of the vibrations and fading in of the next dreamscape.

As the vibrations settled I saw a cliff with a dark creature form before me, and thought something like "ah here we go". I immediately tried getting rid of/running from it but soon there were thousands of them, more and more appearing and chasing me, and that ended up being the whole dream - trying to destroy these dark creatures, trying to make them disappear and turn it into a more pleasant dream. I'd destroy them but more kept coming and chasing me as I flew around this vast arena of brown cliffs and green expanse with a sky shifting from gray to blue as I tried to "improve the dream" through my efforts. Eventually after what felt like around a minute (a long one) I woke up and just thought "yep, as expected", as in I figured it wouldn't be pleasant and I wouldn't be able to control the experience.

Still, I did it! I went all the way into the dream without getting spooked by my thoughts/feelings into moving/stirring myself awake. I felt the fear and considered moving but stayed with it/talked myself through it. Obviously fear still lingers and tainted the dream - it was like the fear that was stirring as I went into the dreamstate immediately manifested as this black creature. I had power in the dream - I could fly and destroy them and affect/alter aspects of the environment. But they continued to appear and chase me as I went.

If I made a mistake (aside from expecting an unpleasant experience in the first place) maybe it was trying to destroy/run from the creature. In doing so I essentially made it real, and of course it multiplied and continued to give chase. I couldn't get away or destroy them fast enough, and I was flying so fast and destroying what seemed like hundreds at a time. I treated them as real and tried to control everything rather than just relaxing into the dream. Rather than just being there with them, as I now know I can just be with feelings without needing to do anything about/to what appears to be causing them. I'm still trying to control unnecessarily, and still afraid of fear itself I suppose. Afraid of my demons. That's what they looked like - demons. All black, glossy, with sleek humanoid heads, lifeless black eyes, long limbs and black wings. So nondescript - just manifestations of indistinct fear. They looked like this:

I wonder what might've happened if I'd just stayed with them rather than trying to destroy them? Maybe said hi or who are you? Or just looked and waited instead of immediately trying to destroy and flee?

I'm pretty sure I made the first move. It's probably like being chased by a dog. It's chasing because you're running. You might be terrified and feel threatened while running from it but if you stop then it stops too. It's just playing along.

After all, what would happen if this thing did something? At most I would feel some more fear and then wake up, shaken maybe but unharmed. It was just playing along...

One creature that multiplied into thousands. Just one creature - fear. A generic demon that multiplied and followed when I tried fighting and fleeing.

Thousands of demons appeared and gave chase, but they weren't real. And all replicas of the first, all completely identical, and not one of them was real. All were manifested by and within the same dreamscape as the blue sky and green fields and my own body. All that was seen was unreal. All was mind. Only some aspects/images I was afraid of and tried to destroy and flee. And they ended up taking up the whole dream, both in space and context. It was filled with these unreal demons chasing me.

It made me consider, is this what the transition in death is like? Just a transition of consciousness/awareness from one state to another, from one dreamscape to another, to new experiences/images appearing on the screen of the mind? Mind generating new sensory/mental content based on the emotional/unconscious contents at the time of death? And if I'm not clear/aware enough, I'll end up taking it all as real, when it's all the same - mind. Mind, mind and more mind, manifesting into infinite variety of forms. All as empty/unreal as the other, yet seeming real and distinct to me. Maybe appearing as a Heaven, or maybe appearing as a Hell - as I just experienced. Because I was feeling fear going into it. I was expecting Hell and that's what appeared.

This could be important. Developing the capacity of neutral/detached acceptance to what appears, rather than being so attached/affected by it. Otherwise I'm essentially being manipulated by appearances generating from within and appearing outside as this or that. When it's really just manifestations of one thing, in this case a feeling/thought of fear being projected outward and experienced as threatening.

It's just like in waking life. My feelings are projected into my thoughts and the environment that appears before me. This or that thought or person or place or situation might seem scary to the self-concept (ego/body) while it's really harmless to the essential being/nature (awareness). It's feeling being projected outward into form. Inner "demon" (aka unwanted/rejected/feared/repressed internal content) appearing as outer.

What's the way to neutralize it? Let it be. Sit with it. Be with it. Don't treat it as real, don't give it reality/power by trying to do something about it. Don't fight it or run from it. Know it - this is fear. This is mind. This is not what it appears to be. It is my fear, my feeling, my mind. I am safe. I cannot be harmed. I am beyond what can be seen. I am seeing.

In all likelihood, based on experience with uncomfortable emotions so far (aka emotions I'm resisting), allowing it to be there without resistance will completely change its quality/appearance/the experience of it to something neutral or even pleasant/enriching/beautiful. It's the running from and trying to get rid of that makes it multiply/grow and seem powerful/overwhelming.

It's just fear. The images/appearances are unreal. They are all one thing - mind (or in Buddhist terminology, Mara). It's feeling manifested into image/form by/within the mind. It's symbolic.

Unattached awareness/acceptance is the way. Just looking/being with indifference to what appears. Knowing that the feeling is really generated within. The feeling is primary, the form is secondary. Both are illusory/fleeting/transitory, but the feeling is primary. The feeling is more real in that it's generating the experience of the forms/appearances. All forms/appearances are essentially empty, void, transient, ephemeral. Their reality is projected from within the perceiver. Internal contents being projected into outward. Feelings and judgments being projected into forms. Fighting or fleeing the form causes them to persist and grow, while accepting and embracing the feeling causes them to neutralize and dissolve.

Feel the fear, but don't be afraid of any thing. Feel the joy, but don't attribute it to any thing. Whatever the feeling, don't consider any thing the cause of it. Know that it's all arising within and being projected into the sensory/mental field. Whatever it is, however it feels, be with it without being hooked by what appears to be causing it. Know it to be arising within, that the appearance follows the feeling. That it's all occuring in the one mind-field and is all made of the same stuff appearing as separate/different. Let it go on without being befooled by it, tossed to and fro by it. Running from and chasing after illusion, the one Great Illusion (Maya) appearing as many. All feelings arise from within. The form/appearance is experienced/interpreted by the prevailing feeling. All apparently separate feelings come and go within the space of awareness as long as they aren't interfered with - as long as they're accepted/allowed/welcomed/fully felt, until all that remains is the default prevailing sense of peace/contentment/love/clarity. Because further emotions are generated by continued attachment to form/appearances. What seems threatening to the form-body/ego generates fear, what seems pleasing to the form-body/ego generates joy. Both are illusory. The True Self cannot be harmed or touched in any way by these appearances. It is pure awareness, formless, bodyless, indestructible, infinite, beyond. Identification with form/mental contents produces the alternations of superficial/fleeting emotions. Detachment from form/mental contents allows the choppy emotional waters and mental turbulence to settle into the peace/contentment/love/clarity which is the intrinsic underlying nature of Awareness/Reality. Emotions are generated by attachment to form/body/ego/mental contents - that which is appearing in the sensory/mental field of mind. Emotions fuel the attachment to mental contents and the mental contents fuel attachment to emotions. They are interdependent, but emotions are dissolved with attention while attention to the contents of mental activity causes them to multiply.

Withdraw attention/significance/power from the sensory/mental - go to the feeling and be with it. Let the appearance be whatever it appears to be, and stay with the feeling. Just acknowledge its presence and be with it. Don't run from it or try to change it if it seems unpleasant, and don't go after it or try to hold onto it if it seems pleasant. Both causes them to be experienced as ugly/painful/uncomfortable, while letting them be/go causes them to be experienced as beautiful/enriching/blissful. Both are the same illusion being projected outward, whether into environmental objects or thought objects. Just let it all be there with non-attachment, indifference, total acceptance. Let it emerge, feel it, and let it dissolve back into the peace/contentment/love/clarity which is its/your/the true underlying nature.