apr19

Realizing things! Such as...

• I'm a pretty high strung mutherfucker, and have been for a while now. I'm going to make a conscious effort to chill tf out and stop caring so much. It's funny, my whole schtick used to be acting like I didn't care about anything, but I think that was moreso because I was depressed and cynical. Now I kind of go in the opposite direction of acting like I'm more invested in things than I really am. All it really accomplishes is tiring me out and putting myself and others on edge. I'm gonna dial it back and do less. Gosh, I'm such a poorly socialized hu-mahn...

• I'm starting to feel more like an overgrown child of late. Small, uncertain, unstable, unformed, incomplete. I think I may have to settle down pretty soon. Just find somewhere to make money, find things I want to do, find people I like spending time with and make the most of this absurd march towards death. Most of my higher ambitions have been effectively neutralized. No more people or world to save, any remaining delusions of grandeur all but gone. Now there's just me and whatever the heck I end up doing with the rest of my time in this bod.

• Oh yeah. Deepening realization that I am, in fact, responsible for all of the suffering in my life. All of it. Not in the sense that I'm to blame, because the patterns that compell me to make life harder for myself are unconscious and passed down, but I'm still the one responsible for my choices. I'm not really to blame for the damage but neither is anyone else. Everyone else is just who they are. What they say and do has nothing to do with me, even if it's directed at me. What matters is my responses and choices. It's always been about my responses and choices. Depending on how I respond, I can make life mutually pleasant and enriching or mutually uncomfortable and stressful. Because of my shoddy conditioning, things often tend towards the latter. And naturally I tend to think others are causing my discomfort and distress, because I feel fine alone and I'm oh-so-thoughtful and considerate towards others (aka submissive and supplicating). But the way I perceive and engage with others is the problem, and always has been. It mainly comes down to issues of self awareness, communication and boundaries. I have conflicting programs running, and I don't quite know how to convey my inner experience in an authentic and respectful way. For one reason or another, I'm often afraid or unwilling to be that vulnerable and honest, and when I am I can easily overstep boundaries in subtle ways. No one else is to blame for the issues and mistakes this has caused throughout my life. It's me. It's always been me. I'm the one who started hiding things about myself to avoid judgment and rejection. I'm the one who started putting on acts to earn friendship and love. I'm the one who sacrificed myself for others rather than putting myself first and doing what I wanted. I'm the one who made others my center of gravity and got overinvolved in things that weren't my responsibility while neglecting my true responsibilities (myself). No one else is to blame for any of that, even though I learned it from others. It's me who's been making these choices. It's me who's been struggling to be honest and real. It's me who lost touch with the truth in favor of more comforting and comfortable lies. I'm not alone in this. It's common, almost ubiquitous to varying degrees. But it's no one else's fault that I'm struggling with it in my own ways. For the most part others have been quite lovely towards me, even those who hurt me. I just didn't know how to respectfully say no thank you and walk away from what I didn't want. I'm the one who didn't know how to listen and respond appropriately to my instincts, feelings, wants and needs. It's all me, baby. Always has been. I am the destroyer of my life.

• To expand further on the above point, one of my primary unconscious defense mechanism which still operates and greatly inhibits me in so many ways is the conditoned program, "Don't say anything that will upset them." Probably because as a child I learned that this would lead to an immediate rejection/abandonment/loss of love/care by my emotionally immature/stunted/insecure parents. On a deep, visceral level it feels like doing so could lead to death. As a result I didn't necessarily lie much but I learned to only share things that were mutually agreeable while seamlessly tucking the rest away. This happens without conscious effort, often in spite of myself. It's just part of how I learned to socialize. As a result I'm either compulsively agreeable or inscrutible, depending on how many points of connection and agreement I happen to have with whoever I'm engaging with. This is something that I need to start moving through. I need to start taking the risk of disagreement and conflict, and experiencing the emotional consequences so I can process and grow beyond them. I need to start telling the truth of my thoughts and feelings, even/especially if others won't be happy to hear them. Basically, I need to start practicing radical honesty. It's the next step.

• In order to psychologically/emotionally survive this, I need to be ready for the inner child to feel devastated and frightened by the conflict and rejection that will arise as a result and to parent myself through it. I need to be ready to give myself a lot of loving reassurance and celebrate every occasion in which I'm honest and forward instead of calculating or withholding. I also need to be ready to approach social situations as opportunities to be real, rather than opportunities to try to get something from others through being acceptable, pleasing or perfect. I need to be tuned inward toward my own instincts and feelings rather than outward towards the implicitly projected feelings, wants, needs and expectations of others, which I've been conditioned to be highly attuned and responsive to. Honestly, it could be fun. It could also be incredibly stressful at times. I'll just have to find out I guess. Delivery is a factor too. The way we say things tends to have a bigger impact then the contents. If I'm all nervous and jittery then whatever I say is more likely to be poorly received than if I'm relaxed and carefree. So making sure I'm relaxed and happy will be useful, and fun. Win-win.