aug15

It came to me that in the past decade or so I've gone through a number of experience that I look back on and cringe at. When those unwelcome memories cross my mind, I physically contract and shrink, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, small, less worthy, powerful, confident.

When I was a bit younger, I didn't have many of those experiences and consequently rarely felt that way. I had a sort of relentless rationality - I simply wouldn't do things that would risk exposing me to those feelings. It occured to me that, basically, I allowed fear of those feelings to prevent me from taking risks and pursuing what I really wanted, and that making choices that I look back on and cringe at is part of being brave and willing enough to explore, experiment, and try. It's part of being vulnerable and fully human.

Experiences like that are humbling too. However inflated I might be feeling, when those memories come up my bubble is popped and I drop back to earth, a lowly human like the rest. But until I accumulated a few I didn't really get it - why did people do such stupid things? Now I do stupid things myself, and I get it. The heart doesn't always want what's proper and respectable, and people who are willing to let go of control and indulge their feelings and desires don't always come away looking admirable and cool.

It's a risk - you put yourself at the mercy of forces beyond your rationality and dignity, and it humbles you. People who don't do this, I've noticed, have a sort of unwarranted sense of superiority about them, just like I did and still sometimes do. They think that denying and suppressing their desires is a sign of strength and intelligence, but it really indicates self-condemnation, rigidity, and cowardice. It shows that you care more about how you look to others than being true to yourself regardless of the judgments of others. It's a sign of weakness and foolishness, not strength and intelligence. Because at the end of your life, you'll look back and see that you didn't really live at all. You were just going through the motions and keeping up an act.

I didn't really start coming to life until a few years ago when I actively started exploring, accepting, and pursuing who I really was and what I really wanted, regardless of what others might think and what I had to let go of in the process. I wasn't really bold or quick about it but I ended up losing a lot over that period - almost everything and everyone I had in the end, to get the kind of freedom, time, space, experiences, and energy that I really wanted and needed deep down. And I don't regret it at all. If I have any regret about the whole thing it's only that I didn't start sooner and that I wasn't bolder and more self-assured. I have a kind of boldness deep down that makes me willing to take the necessary steps but I tend to be very uncertain and hesitant each step of the way. I don't really know what I'm doing most of the time - often I'm just following my intuition and feelings. It's not until later, sometimes much later, that I can look back and understand it logically and therefore articulate it to others.

Until I started living more that way I was just an extension in the lives of those around me, unconsciously keeping myself confined to their comfort zones to avoid judgment and rejection. I prioritized their views and feelings and totally neglected myself and my own. I was essentially living the wrong life. I can't say that I've come into total harmony with myself or life yet but at least I'm exploring and experimenting now instead of just sticking to what came to feel safe, familiar, and unsatisfying, even deeply uncomfortable and painful in some ways because it was so counter to my actual nature. Actually I can say with certainty that I'm still not fully there - I'm still inching my way out of the confines of my own fearfulness and pride (aka compensatory expression of shame).

So yeah, I've had a number of cringeworthy experiences in that time and expect to accumulate more over the coming years. It can be hard to let go of the fear and pride though. There's still quite a strong part of me that really wants to live up to some ideal in my mind, some image that's above my petty human desires. I guess pride is something I need to let go of if I'm going to really live. Or at least adjust my standards for self-worth. Not being perfect or admirable, but being boldly human, being true to myself despite the risks, failures, and setbacks. Always getting back up and moving forward. Something like that.

I'm having trouble thinking clearly because the dog won't stop barking at nothing. I'm feeling annoyed that it hasn't been trained, for its own benefit and ours. I didn't really get some peoples' annoyance over it initially and found it easy enough to ignore but it's starting to wear at me too, especially since it's meant to be a guard dog that alerts us to actual threats. Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! Nothing there, bark bark bark bark bark bark bark!!

I guess it's something else to accept. Expectations vs reality. Expectation: the dog does not bark on and on at nothing. Reality: the dog sometimes barks on and on at nothing. Expectation: the dog occasionally alerts us to potential threats. Reality: the dog constantly sends up false alarms. Expectation: the air is not filled with the sound of pointless barking. Reality: it sometimes will be. Let go of expectations, accept reality, find peace...BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!

Underlying uneasiness...the feeling that something, several things, remain and are waiting to be done while I work on other things. The chronic underlying tension of the unskillful life. Sloppy, leaving things undone, unsaid, avoided, prematurely moved on from, lingering, festering, decaying slowly in the background rather than cleanly laid to rest...

Today I'm grateful for...

• Coming closer to understanding and accepting myself and my unconscious desires and behaviors
• The mummy!!
• Cute chickenz
• A restful and productive day
• Quickly healing foot
• Shared deer sighting
• Affectionate cats
• Silly goats
• Contentment and stillness during meditation
• Fun chanting

Thank you for a lovely day!!