aug14

Had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. It occured to me that I've been suffering from overidentification with the ego and its insecure fluctuations. Basically, I've been very self-absorbed for a long time figuring out "who I am" and how I feel and what I think and all that, and have been working towards integrating that data more into my expression and lifestyle. Becoming more authentic and integrated, basically. This is not a bad thing, since its largely been ignored throughout my life so it's long overdue and just happening later than would have been ideal. However, all these qualities have, up until this process, been suppressed and repressed to some degree, which means that their integration and expression must all be surrounded by some degree of fear and shame. Exploring, identifying, accepting, and bringing them to the surface has been very slowly making me more secure, aligned and integrated from the inside out, but it's still quite a sensitive and tenuous process along the way. Basically, I can sometimes be more sensitive to negative feedback and unconsciously hungry for positive feedback because I feel uncertain whether it's really okay to be more fully myself, or if I'm better off continuing to act in ways that feel more familiar and safe.

This was less of a concern, or maybe just a different one, when my surface expression was more contrived and less authentic. If others judged me, all I really had to do was change my approach - it wasn't really "me" they were judging, and they weren't judging something in me that I couldn't change. Now, when others express judgment (or when I perceive judgment) at authentic aspects of my expression (or attempts at it), it can activate the fear, shame and insecurity accompanying those qualities and my sense of self.

This can be a subtle process. Basically what tends to happen is that an event occurs in which I perceive a negative reaction towards me and then my mood, energy levels and overall sense of wellbeing start to drop while my mind is processing the event. It's not always clear what exactly is happening, but something has thrown off my equilibrium and sense of safety and ease in the world. Whether something real or perceived/interpreted by the ego as a threat.

All of these are illusory though. They all come from overidentification with fluctuating phenomena. My "sense of self". What does that mean? My thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions, my ideas, my style, my looks, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc, etc. All these constantly fluctuating variables that can't really be pinned down or defined for longer than a second, and which every single person might see and respond to differently towards in each moment. The sense of self that I'm getting identified with and insecure or secure, defensive or accepting, and on and on about, is not really there. It's just the mind interacting with its own ideas, its judgments of its own perceptions of these fluctuating variables, and mistaking that for reality.

On some level it serves a purpose. There is value in exploring my internal contents on a daily basis to orient myself appropriately and communicate with others. That's about it though. To indulge/believe in feelings of fear or elation, shame or pride, inferiority or superiority, or anything at all about my "sense of self" is an exercise in, well, ignorance. It's just wasting energy and sabotaging my life, happiness, relationships, everything, over passing illusions. In reality, I am as I am and I can't really be defined, and therefore can't really be judged. I just am, just like life just is. Whatever we think or feel about it all are just that - thoughts and feelings. Self-contained, distinct phenomena from the greater reality of what's being judged. Thoughts and feelings interacting with thoughts and feeings. Reality is beyond these minor interactions. It contains it all and far more, and just is as it is. I'm the same.

So, I'm going to start exercising better awareness and boundaries around the process. I'm going to allot a certain period of space each day, in the morning and evening, to tune inward and explore my "self" - my thoughts, feelings, etc etc, all the roving phenomena that make up my "self" in that moment. Kind of like how I spend a certain amount of time each day tending to my physical form/health. Beyond that, I'll let go and immerse myself in the world. Basically, I won't worry about my sense of self or what I or others think of it throughout the day. Whether I or they feel positively or negatively in some moment or other, it isn't real, it isn't about me, and I can explore it later if needed. It's just their thoughts and feelings interacting with mine, or rather with their own which activates the same to happen in me. It doesn't have to control me or my life.

So, no more excessive self-absorption, but also no more self-neglect. No more insecurity, but also no inflation. I tune inward, then I tune outward, then I tune inward again, each day. And focus on seeing everything for what it is (aka beyond/free of my judgments about it) and simply responding skillfully and deliberately to the moment. Seeing thought as thought, feeling as feeling, form as form, contact as contact, reaction as reaction, interaction as interaction - rather than believing the stories around them, the useless details, the this vs that of it all.

This basically means that I'm no longer going to allow the ego and its fluctuations to run the show, which means that I'll need to operate much more intentionally while its stories continue to operate in the background. I'll have to see it happening with detachment and make decisions from a higher/broader vantage point. Recently I've been far too moody, changeable, capricious, unskillful, because I've been indulging the fluctuations far more than I used to. I've been overindulging and overidentifying with them while in the past I would override them. This is okay, because I'm learning how to integrate and act on the information they provide, whereas in the past I would deny and suppress them, stunting genuine growth and strengthening a false imposed exterior. I just need to be more alert and deliberate in terms of what I express, how, and when. Others do not need to know my every passing thought and feeling, and I don't need to be influenced by their every passing thought and feeling. This information is mostly inconsequential because it is constantly changing. So it becomes a matter of discernment and skill. What to do with the information and when. How to respond and how not to.

I also realized that it's vital to explore and express these aspects in myself regularly somehow, otherwise they start to pile up and my growth essentially gets stunted while I get sloppy and distracted by it all. All this clarity started coming in because I finally took some time to tune inward, explore, and express what I was thinking and feeling. Once I did I could look at it more objectively, extract the lessons from it, and move forward. Until then I was just kind of stuck swimming with it all without release and analysis. It's kind of like being constipated. I need to take time to shit out my thoughts and feelings each day or they'll get backed up. Thus, this entry and blog in general.

So yes, I'll recommit to morning and evening practices, including journaling. And I'll soften my sense of self. However others feel about it is none of my business or concern anymore. Whatever judgments they carry or express, it's all the same - largely irrelevent and more to do with their own internal processes than me or mine. So I'll just be myself, however that shows up, accept myself and accept judgments, positive or negative, do my best to explore and cultivate what I want to grow, and carry out my duties.

Be and do, be and do, with intentional self-reflection/expression time each day. Simple.

I'm also going to start taking stock of things to appreciate and be grateful for. Today that's...

• Getting my physical needs met. Having the space I need, the food I need, and all the rest and more
• Having plenty of space, freedom and resources to tend to my emotional/psychological/spiritual needs
• Absolutely massive and delicious watermelon!!!
• Having so many cute, friendly, silly, funny, delightful animals around
• Being in a beautiful place with overall kind people and beings

Wow, that feels good to consider and acknowledge. My heart feels warm. I'm a lucky boy!! I'll add more in the evening.