relationship

Big release this morning, both of insight and emotion. As usual, it followed waking from a dream that led to release from certain painful and inaccurate perceptions I've been carrying. It brought a degree of understanding and forgiveness that was previously inaccessible, hidden behind a wall of fear and pain.

One thing that came to light is how important human connection is, and how I've been justifying running from it to avoid further pain and difficulty. This is okay - if it happened then on some level it's what I needed. If it hadn't I wouldn't have had the space to access, feel and release as much as I have. Chances are there's plenty more to go but I've done a lot of grieving and I know it's made a difference, even though I'm still not where I'd like to be. So it goes, and so it will likely continue to go.

Ultimately, nothing has made me feel more alive than engaging with people. For much of my time in relative isolation I've pretty much felt like spongebob looking at the glass of water saying "I don't need it" while suffocating because he did, in fact, need it. Despite being apart from people, I haven't really been free. The intangible world of relationship has turned out to be experientially far more real than the material, and the connections and conflicts remained with me regardless of distance. Somewhere along the way I became unwilling to lean into them and started coming up with future plans that would further my aloneness.

I think I'd like to start leaning in again. Or maybe I should say I need to. Even if it leads to pain and conflict, it's better than just pursuing external goals to avoid my feelings. I'd like to integrate the two and come to greater balance, if I can manage it.

While on the surface not much has improved, at least I do know myself better now. I do trust my intuition, feelings and perception more. I am better at articulating my inner experience. I am better at identifying and disengaging from people and situations that I don't want to be involved with. I am better at noticing when I'm being mistreated and protecting myself. I am better at identifying what I do and don't want. I am better at processing, accepting and communicating my feelings and needs. I am better at prioritizing, taking care of and being kind to myself. It's all still very much a work in progress and I'm increasingly in awe of how fucked I seem to be in terms of basic human functioning but it has gotten better.

And all of this has to do with the realm of relationship. Whether I like it or not, that seems to be a high priority of mine.