ruminating

Two meditation moments of note today. First, this morning. While I was sitting, I was preoccupied with anger, my thoughts mostly centered around the fact that my interactions with someone in my life have always revolved primarily around complaining to me. For most of my life I sympathized and tried to help but after seeing how it continued no matter what changed, I narrowed the cause of it down to the fact that the only thing he does with his free time is watch TV so naturally he's bored and miserable. His mind finds reasons for his misery everywhere when it's more likely that he just doesn't do enough things that bring joy or stimulation to offset the usual bumps in life.

Now, it seems that I'm finally becoming seasoned enough at these kinds of judgements to recognize that actually, I was seeing and projecting my own issue. I may not have been complaining out loud but I was ruminating in my mind because I'M bored and miserable. I don't do enough things that bring ME joy or stimulation. So I lose patience with HIM and project blame for the way I feel. What a wake up call.

As a result of a toil-ridden family mindset and upbringing, I actually have trouble with creating my own fun now. And instead of complaining like those around me, I ruminated and suppressed my misery through various means. A lot of what I did for "fun" growing up turned out to be numbing and coping strategies. I've experienced a good deal of fun while socializing throughout my life but I don't see people often right now and I'm feeling the void. I actually had to sit there and think about what's fun for me. I did make a fairly long list but it's all still a bit hazy. Basically I've been conditioned to see fun as something of a waste of time. Most of my free time revolves around learning, healing or passive consumption to drown out my feelings or help me regulate my emotions, and when I try to do fun things I tend to get caught up in non-fun aspects of what I'm doing (like trying to get it perfect).

Still, I'm determind to start filling my days up with potentially fun shit as soon as possible. I do not want to follow any longer in these miserable footsteps.

The second meditation moment took place a few minutes ago. Going into it I felt a dull ache of loneliness in my stomach, verging on despair. It was hard to sit with but a few minutes in I remembered something: everytime a painful feeling comes up, it's an opportunity to feel and heal it. Remembering this actually stirred some excitement about the pain. I let go of my thoughts and the tension I was holding against it and let it envelop me completely. I sat there just basking in the sensations pulsing from my stomach up to my neck, head and along my arms. It actually almost started to feel pleasurable. And in barely any time at all, it dissolved.