Growing up, I was mostly indifferent to the things those around me seemed to care about. It was all fine, okay, sure. I enjoyed and still do enjoy seeing and sharing in other peoples' passions but my own focus has rarely been on the things themselves. I've always been more interested in the existence and experience of things as a whole. What are we? Why are we the way we are? What is this place? What's going on? And when you get into those dimensions there's much less differentiation between the various subsections of form. They can be enjoyed but the real fascination lies in the deeper how's, what's and why's of it all. Talking on that level made the people in my life uncomfortable though, so I learned to keep these thoughts to myself.

And now, expressing them can feel uncomfortable. I want to share what's on my mind but I also don't. It's pure creativity in a way - something that I can't really choose. The mind is drawn towards and wants to express what it wants and if I stop that up, I start to lose energy. It's like a spring that needs to flow, otherwise the water becomes stagnant and dull. As long as I remain in a continual state of exploration and expression, I'm also in a state of renewal and aliveness. I need to keep drawing up and releasing it, and having it witnessed by others seems to be an integral step in that process. It's like how kids instinctively run to show someone a drawing they've made once it's finished. Then the cycle is complete and they can happily move on to the next.

I've spent most of my life suppressing that last step because I learned that the focus of my creativity was unwelcome to those in my life. I hope one day to find that the inhibitions I developed are unnecessary, because ultimately everyone loses out if the cycle isn't completed. The creator stagnates and others are deprived of the opportunity to share in their creations. Nobody benefits when this process is suppressed. It's meant to be part of a greater flow.

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