sadness

I've been applying for new jobs lately to get through the coming winter. It's taking every ounce of energy I have but it's been interesting since each one forces me to reflect on my values, needs and preferences. This is also causing it to take forever to submit each application, but so be it.

I've changed a lot since my last interview. I've always been good at them because I just did what I was conditioned to do - say the right things, morph myself into whatever the other person wanted me to be and basically relinquish my individuality and power. Easy peasy. But I don't want to do that anymore. I'm seeing all these jobs I could previously have excelled at that would require compromising my integrity to become a representative of a brand or a pleasing, perpetually happy face for others to encounter. I don't want to do that anymore. I'd honestly rather bag groceries.

When I woke up this morning my thoughts were on that Simpsons episode where Marge tells Lisa to push her sadness down and smile so people will like her. This immediately led to people being attracted to and trying to take advantage of Lisa's newfound approachableness and agreeableness. That's pretty much what happened to me. The way the episode played out was really similar to my own experience except the episode had more love and acceptance (and jazz) and less yelling, coersion and shaming.

Like Lisa, I had a sensitivity and sadness that my family couldn't understand or tolerate, largely because it made them uncomfortable for various reasons. Except in the episode, Homer and Marge saw the effects of their words and corrected course, telling Lisa to stay true to herself and that they would still be there. I, on the other hand, was encouraged to continue smiling and refining my affability.

Like Lisa's, much of the sadness was existential and had little to do with me personally, though was likely amplified by the lack of understanding and connection in my surroundings. A result of being unceremoniously dropped into a place so alien in values and in a world so filled with absurd rituals and tragedy. It was interesting to see how Marge learned to smile through it from her own mother after being a sad and likely sensitive and misunderstood child herself (especially considering her sisters). She, in some ways, reminded me of my mom. Which gave me some renewed compassion and pity for her despite her actions and their consequences.

Sadness is a reasonable response to a seemingly stupid, absurd and tragic situation. Ideally it won't overwhelm and overshadow everything else but I'm coming to see that anyone with intelligence, sensitivity and depth will go through and carry some measure of sadness inside that never fully goes away. It's the sadness of recognizing certain realities that not everyone looks at so early or readily, though which everyone encounters on some level eventually. And it actually adds a beauty and realness to a person that isn't in those who are totally immersed in the superficial. There's nothing wrong with it. There is, however, something wrong with pretending to be happy no matter how you really feel. It's fundamentally manipulative and only leads to more of the same in return.

I'll try to use this job search and subsequent interviews as opportunities to practice being true to myself. It's bringing up some anxiety though, likely stemming from fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of powerlessness, helplessness and loss. Which probably explains why it's taking so much energy.

Even if no one else understands why it can feel so complicated, why I'm picky in all these obscure ways or why I might seem to settle for less, I can at least give myself that understanding. I won't beat myself up for it or expect anyone to get it. I'll try to balance what feels right to me with what needs to be done.