disconnect

I was listening to a talk about complex trauma that was both unsettling and reassuring in its implications. One of the points that came up was how the development of brain function gets impaired so that essentially a disconnect develops between the right and left hemispheres, aka emotional and logical/factual/detail oriented brain centers. This could explain why someone with complex trauma can be highly developed intellectually but still experience relational issues and childlike emotional overwhelm in unexpected moments. Something about an interaction can trigger emotional centers to activate due to similarities to past events without being linked to factual memories, since often these memories were repressed/forgotten/distorted so the child could cope and continue to perpetuate denial-based beliefs to help them function and survive (such as that they're safe and loved).

These triggers can be as simple as moments where a child was repeatedly hurt upon sharing something intimate or subjectively meaningful with a caregiver or loved one. The brain learns that vulnerability leads to pain rather than trust and safety, and thereafter any situation that involves vulnerability can activate the emotional centers to warn the body of impending danger. So as an adult they can seem to lose their shit at times for no apparent reason depending on their individual childhood experiences, when actually it's just that they can't clearly identify what those reasons are. The emotional centers in the brain/body react to perceived threats without the logical centers supplying the factual data. That data isn't accessible and therefore the situation can't be rationally approached in the same way as with normal memories and experiences. That's why self soothing is often needed instead. Intervening as if to a scared child, with words and behaviors that reassure it that it's safe and that the threat it's perceiving isn't really as big as it seems. Reminding it that it isn't trapped in an unsafe environment anymore and that it has options and power now.

This resonated with my experience. On the one hand, when I'm alone and feeling calm and safe my thinking processes tend to feel clear and efficient. But when it comes to relational situations that I'm personally involved in, even if I'm just around people I'm not completely comfortable with, that clarity and efficiency can go out the window and I'll often need lots of time to process afterwards. It can be like the mind is darting around looking for data that should be there but isn't so it starts filling in the gaps with theories and worries and potential dangers to explain unease or distress. I have significant gaps in my memories as well, and memory recall in general can be kind of a funny process. Usually if I want to remember something that I know I should be able to I can drop a question into my mind about it and eventually relevent details will slowly float to the surface. But I'm often not able to actively scan for or see them, I need to wait for details to float up from behind an inaccessible veil. Whatever comes up is all I get while the rest remains hidden to me. So presumably everything I've been through is still in there guiding my emotional reactions, I just can't access it.

On the plus side, all of this can be restored to a degree. It just takes a lot of work, work which I've already intuitively/unconsciously agreed to do. Otherwise I wouldn't be where I am right now, exploring and writing about these things. It also takes time, since a big part of it is the mind and body slowly coming to feel that it's finally safe to relax and let go of all these defenses, which also comes with the pain of remembering, recontextualizing and reintegrating.

The guy who gave the talk affirmed something about the whole process that I and apparently many others in recovery find, which is that it can be as envigorating as it can be arduous. Luckily I seem to be moving in the right general directions, for the most part. I'm definitely seeing some backslides and things I'm avoiding but I'll just have to keep going and adjusting course. The biggest thing is that someone in recovery needs to be willing to feel all the fear and pain that can and likely will arise in relationships. If they want to heal, to some degree they'll have to move towards their triggers and not run away from them. Tough but useful pill to swallow.