jan31

I seem to constantly be at war with different aspects of myself. They're so contradictory and difficult to reconcile in a comprehensible, coherent and communicable way. But really, maybe the only problem is this perpetual effort to do so and to change things. Maybe all that's needed is to stop judging myself in the first place and trying to be any kind of way at all. Just embracing all of it and approaching every situation without any expectations of how I might be and respond. Just trusting what comes about even if it turns out "bad" from certain perspectives. Seeing through these distorted lenses and accepting that life is more than a series of events and I'm more than my responses to them. Recognizing that I'm all of it and none of it, and that all these definitions, rules and expectations coming from myself and others are just ideas.

Life has no obligation to conform to ideas, not mine or anyone else's. It just unfolds however it will. It just is as it is. And I just am as I am in any given moment. Not just what this body says and appears to do but all of it at once including that, and also none of it from another perspective. The sense of separate selfhood is an illusion, and the attempt to define it is a waste of energy. Any apparent success is only a skewed perception of certain patterns that happen to be detected across time. I'm not actually confined to them, it's just more ideas in the mind that I'm superimposing onto what I see and experience. The incessant categorizing efforts of the insecure and fearful ego.

Maybe I'm just afraid to embrace the true extent of the uncertainty I'm constantly faced with. There really is nothing to hold onto, and nothing I can do to prepare for what's to come. Situations will arise and this body will respond as a participant. I may feel and witness it with this body but I am not just this body. I'm all of it and I'm none of it.