sludge

Coming out of a down period over the past couple days. As unpleasant as it can feel compared to the up times, part of me looks forward to them now. Since my energy and drive recedes, those are the times when I can really move into feeling through the underlying emotional pain that drives my more neurotic behavior patterns.

According to a book on cptsd I've been reading, I seem to be in the later stages of recovery. I've made it through the heat of overwhelming distress and anger and now need to move into the placid swamps of what the author refers to as "abandonment depression". It's a lot more subtle and far easier to run away from than anger. It's an extremely familiar sensation of heaviness, a sort of slow sludgy thickness that undulates through my energy field. I feel it most viscerally upon waking so that's when I'll primarily be focusing on dissolving it with as much loving attention as I can.

When it's moving through, it tends to feel like things are hopeless and I'll never be okay again. My mind brings up all these regrets and worries and my thoughts are filled with pessimistic projections. I usually find myself automatically reaching for the phone or laptop to distract myself. It always passes, always, but when it's active it just seems like reality. This morning I practiced disengaging from the thoughts without distracting myself and moved my attention into the sludgey sensations instead. When I do this there tends to be a period that feels like eternity where it seems like nothing is happening, and then suddenly it fades away. Usually at that point I'll feel like smiling or laughing and start the day in a much better mood. I hope that one day it becomes the norm to just wake up like that instead.