shadows

I've been exploring shadow work for a while but always felt a little bit blocked in it, like these qualities were still too nebulous and out of reach. Recently though I had a kind of breakthrough where I was able to see all these parts of myself that I've rejected and tried to either suppress or get rid of. Not just "bad" qualities but "good" ones too that I was reluctant to acknowledge and embrace, mostly as a result of early conditioning. I ended up making a huge list of these qualities and behaviors, it all flowed out pretty much effortlessly once I got going.

It's bizarre and a bit overwhelming to consider all of it but it also makes total sense. These are all the things that I was taught weren't acceptable about me by other people while I was developing and becoming a social being. And since I had no one to support me psychologically or emotionally, no one to reflect my nature and convey to me that I was okay the way I am, naturally I came to believe they were right. The most logical option available to me in my circumstances was for me to change myself.

These changes came with enormous energetic and relational costs that have accumulated overtime. Something I've noticed is that every interaction in which I feel comfortable fully and authentically expressing myself is energizing and enjoyable, while every one in which I suppress that authenticity and portray something else, usually something that I sense will be more pleasing, acceptable or comfortable for others, is draining. And everytime I suppress something to express something different, I give a false impression of who I am and force myself into playing the part of this character rather than being myself. It happens in an instant and can become incredibly confining and uncomfortable, and it all stems from this deeply rooted fear of rejection and lack of self awareness, self acceptance, self love and self worth.

So I've mostly been draining energy to become what I came to believe was a more acceptable, better version of myself. And while I may have succeeded on the surface, underneath I've always been that same person with those same qualities that I rejected. I may have more knowledge, experiences and growth that have refined and matured certain areas but the suppression seems to inhibit the full breadth of this process. All those other things just stay there in the dark - immature, unrefined and heavy. Most often they only rear their heads in moments of stress or exhaustion, when the energy to continue suppressing them is no longer available. This is when damage is typically done to relationships or to others' perception of me, as they're suddenly confronted with and sometimes hurt by these parts of myself that I've condemned and stuffed away.

A simple example is anger - where a person overtime might have come to believe that I'm just not someone who gets angry, while the truth in many cases is that I was unconsciously suppressing and internalizing it. Thus, if/when it ever did eventually come out, others were more easily shocked and hurt by it than if they'd just been aware of it from the start. Suppressed energies also tend to accumulate and come out explosively rather than in reasonable and useful quantities, and they are all useful and necessary for an empowered and healthy human existence. Many situations call for the protective energy and force of anger, and continuously suppressing that energy allowed countless boundary violations and abuses throughout my life. This energy that rightfully and beautifully flared up to repel harmful people and situations was redirected towards harming me even more.

One thing I noticed about all this is that it doesn't ultimately seem to matter at this point whether others reject or condemn something or not. What matters is whether I do so myself, whether in the moment or after the fact. If I can accept these things about myself, I can allow them to be without suffering from unnecessary self-abuse, guilt, shame and fear. I won't need to hold myself back at my own expense just to avoid a moment of conflict, friction or judgment. I won't need to reject myself to avoid rejection from others. I won't need to suppress the full spectrum of my humanity anymore. All that energy can be freed up and redirected towards experiencing and embracing more and more of myself, others and life as a whole. These qualities have always just needed to be acknowledged and accepted as intrinsically valuable, and as perfectly human and natural. Once they are, even their more ugly and terrifying expressions become easier to understand with compassion.

Anyways, it's all still pretty fresh and I suspect it'll take time to really unwind and integrate in practice. I'm happy to at least have been able to acknowledge and embrace more of the truth of myself.