mar20

Some miscellaneous reflections:

• I've been too serious lately, for a while really. Pent up emotions seem to be the primary cause - past pain, old hurts that flair up, old internalized judgments that get projected onto self/others/world. It also signals insecurities that I'm still carrying and points to aspects to either work on or accept completely. In truth, everything is as it is, and everything that is has an inevitable and fast-approaching end. It's not really worth getting uptight or worked up about any of it in the abstract, nor is it useful. I can do what I want without making an enemy of what I don't. I can move freely without creating tension with those moving in different ways. I can focus on my own interests and even ideals without pushing them on others who invariably have their own. The actual cause and solution to this sensation of seriousness/uptightness when it arises is to process and dissolve my own repressed emotions along with the associated beliefs.

• On that note, the release of repressed emotions seems to coincide with the release of unconscious beliefs associated with the emotions. The repression of the emotions essentially seems to have been caused by certain beliefs that were active at the moment of their repression, and when the emotion is released there's an opening for the associated beliefs to be released and corrected as well. As the emotions rise up in the body, the associated beliefs rise up in the mind. In that moment I'm able to see them for what they are (false) and let them go. This is essentially a form of forgiveness. I forgive myself for the mistaken impression and I forgive others for their unconscious involvement and the subsequent pain/repression.

• When I sincerely ask/pray for help, it's often given instantly. Not necessarily in the external scenario that seems to be causing my distress but internally there's a release. A release from the need to compulsively think and calculate for one thing, which is actually being generated by repressed emotions/false beliefs. There's a release from the impression that something needs to be done by me, because I'm recognizing the limits of my capacity to control. I'm acknowledging that I've tried and tried and I'm both tired and fully aware that it's not working, so I'm giving it up and trusting things to work out as they will. In that trusting, there's freedom from the mistaken belief that I can control things and that, in doing so, I'll somehow stave off whatever it is I'm afraid of. In the end, everything is always coming and going, and death is certain. Nothing can be held onto forever and death can't be prevented so attempts at control and avoidance are folly and wastage, and in most cases counterproductive. In prayer/surrender I essentially confess/express my feelings and release control back to the actual controller - Life. I admit with all humility that I'm not really in control here. So Life, just do what you're going to do and I'll focus on getting stronger/clearer and appreciating what I have while I have it. The rest is out of my hands. This releases me from various forms of trembling/frantic delusion and back into alignment with the simple truth of what is actually within my control.

• One deadly sin that I've been guilty of lately is pride, which it turns out is actually generated by shame. A kind of overcompensating that can lead me to think I know more than I do, and more than others do. Falling back into that old delusion. A constant risk, especially while absorbing and processing higher learning, particularly that which involves ethics in relation to reality. Constantly remembering that all of these are ideas confined to the intellect which are being projected onto the world while I'm processing them. It's very easy to conflate this processing/projecting with reality itself and start separating and judging this from that. This past week I realized, through judging another as arrogant, how much there is that I don't know and how much I haven't yet (and will never) experience. It's never, within a human lifetime, a justifiable time to get a big head about things and get defensive, whether out loud or privately in my thoughts. The simplest solution to this is an expression of the truth - nobody knows, including myself. When it comes to what can be said, all we can speak on are ideas, impressions and hunches. Part of being human seems to be tossing these around and mistaking them for reality. It's okay and can even be fun, it's just something to keep an eye out for when it starts to feel more serious than it is. If I or others get defensive and uptight about these beliefs and impressions, it's just signaling repressed emotions - namely guilt/fear/shame - connected with false internalized beliefs. The ideas themselves which seem to be creating tension are projections of these feelings/beliefs.

• I've been exploring more environments lately that are shaped around beliefs which I don't share but am interested in learning about/from. I'm realizing that that's part of my particular function/nature/enjoyment in the world - indulging in my curiosity and growth wherever it takes me. Not confining myself to what's familiar but going into new/different environments as both observer and participant. People-watching and wondering at what others are seeing, thinking and feeling. Dropping my preconceptions and dissolving into the surrounding flow for a time to process and reflect on later. Opening myself to the belief systems at the center of these environments/activities without assimilating to them. Thoroughly listening and participating but ultimately working everything out for myself within myself. Part of that involves following along but I'm really only willing to do so to the degree that it's mutually beneficial and/or enjoyable. This process can lead to an impression that I'm engaging out of shared beliefs and desires however, so it can be a delicate line to walk. Being involved and relating without either succumbing to pressure, being insincere or generating self-consciousness/defensiveness. Ultimately the best approach is probably humility along with honesty if there's any need to clarify - just saying that I'm here to learn and participate but I'm not a believer. If that leads others to keep me at a distance, it's probably for the better.