cocoon

Beginning a slow ascent from another foray into the underworld. I continue to find myself unable, unwilling, or unprepared to wriggle out of the cocoon I've weaved around myself. Openings have appeared here and there and each time I've approached slowly, much slower than I would have in the past, while absorbing the data coming through. Stepping forward and drawing back to process. And eventually it becomes clear - not this, or not now. And there's a release and return to stasis, to freefloating in the void with feelers outstretched.

The problem, if there can be said to be one, is conditioned thought/feeling patterns and a habitual preoccupation with them. Despite what I've learned on my own, the influence of environment and upbringing appears to run deep. I say "appears" because I also suspect that they may serve as little more than convenient excuses to justify succumbing to fear and inertia, but I'm not sure. Regardless, I regularly experience release from this and briefly come into contact with a recognition of how happy and peaceful I could be if it didn't still feel so alien. How potentially free and unbounded, except by the gravitational pull of these repetitious thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviors. Especially of fear, and fear-based decision making.

One thing I've learned over the past few years is that there is a definite distinction between the conclusions one comes to rationally and those that the body has come to through felt experience. It's this felt information that the unconscious taps into first, and it therefore decides the vast majority of actual behavior that carries out. Beyond contemplation and conversation, cognitive conclusions tend to have a minimal influence over behavior. It's power is primarily in the potential to manually override the initial reactions, but this requires a lot of attention and energy - even courage. It's not as simple as realizing something and then never making the same mistake again. No matter how profound the realization, the situation will likely persist and appear to keep returning again and again in different forms. It seems to take time and repetition to integrate these lessons into the body and unconscious, where they can more truly be said to become part of oneself. Until then, they're just words. Thought bubbles that come and go. It amazes, amuses and exasperates me how much just plays itself out, no matter what I think.

It can feel maddening at times, knowing that the vast majority of my thoughts and feelings are unreliable. That this vessel is, essentially, running on damaged and distorted wiring after being cultivated and grown in turbulent and toxic waters. After so much of that, relaxation and a feeling of safety can come to feel too precious to risk parting with as mind and body remain ever on alert for threats that are no longer so close, while continuously concocting fresh phantoms to blame for residual pain and fear. So what to believe? What to do? It's not so clear. Better make breakfast and take it from there. And another day goes by.

It's not a wrong way to live, or even really a bad one. Yes it can feel bad but so can an unexamined life. Except in the latter case you drift through in a sleep in which you're largely unaware of how bad you actually feel, and of how responsible you are for that. A programmed creature and little more, blaming all of your misfortunes on fate and circumstance, unaware that you could be living in an entirely different way. But you either can't see that or don't want to. You may smile and laugh at times but it doesn't mean much, just programming stretching different muscles and tendons. Cause and effect, with environment always as cause and your response always as effect.

In a way, this is all part of an attempted movement towards a fundamentally different way of being. A movement towards forces distinct from those which have carried me to this point. Towards being both cause and effect. No longer confined to the old prison walls but moving into a wider expanse of possibility and play. The walls of the prison may be there but the doors are open, as they have always been. The question is, do I want to be free? And if so, for what?

If I'm honest, the question still scares me a little. There's something scary about acknowledging the true extent of freedom, and therefore of responsibility. It reminds me of how I dislike big menus at restaurants. Too much choice can feel overwhelming, I'd usually rather have a couple options to choose from than too many. But too many feels closer to the truth - I'm free to choose among countless options. So the question becomes, how will I make that choice? What will I draw upon to make it?

This is where it gets tricky. Because if I'm no longer to be lead by environment then I have to be lead from within. And I don't know myself from within. Not thoroughly, not yet. So far I've encased myself in a protective shell and lived primarily in reaction to threatening forces. That's not a condition in which one can come to know themself, because knowing oneself requires emerging into the world and not just defending against it. So the best I can do right now is continue wriggling my way out of this cocoon and, little by little if that's how it goes, seeing what emerges.