integration
August 5, 2022•218 words
One aspect of this process, whatever it is, is the gradual bringing into consciousness and reconciling of various aspects of myself and my life. Even though intellectually I can accept these disparate parts, experientially (and socially) it can be disorienting.
How to balance the sides of me that are unfailingly optimistic and holistic with the sides that are relentlessly cynical and deconstructive? How to reconcile the parts that are constantly preoccupied with the existential and universal, God and reality and meditation with the parts that like to laugh, eat cake and watch cartoons? How to come to terms with my affection and fascination towards people with the moodiness and exhaustion that can follow being with them? Which sides are going to win out over the others?
It seems like a constant back and forth at times, they can be so at odds that total integration can seem somehow impractical or even impossible. And yet I've been seeing some subtle changes to my perception taking place, moments when I'm able to embrace conflicting aspects without tension or judgement. There have also been periods when something would come up and I'd be stuck in a seemingly endless funk feeling irredeemably terrible until acceptance finally seeps in, some sense that I can/will learn to live with this part of me/life too.