jan8

Attended something yesterday that ended up bringing up a lot of anxiety and subsequent emotional processing. It was something that I've been avoiding for a while because I had some bad experiences in the past and the discomfort I'd feel would make me want to leave, so I would. This time I challenged myself to stay and sit with the feelings coming up, since I don't want to be controlled by uncomfortable feelings and the urge to run away anymore. I barely slept last night and spent most of today feeling activated and watching TV while passively processing/feeling.

My mind was full of thoughts about the situation while my body remained on high alert. Whether to go back or not, what to say to other people there, what to do to improve things moving forward, how to deal with someone there who seemed to be causing my discomfort, how to resolve the situation favorably for everyone, what to do and not to do and how to do what I should do, etc etc.

About half an hour ago though, the thought entered that it's me. This is all happening in me, in my body/mind. It's not the situation, it's not the other people, and I don't have to do anything. It's me. My perception, my judgments, my fears, my thoughts and feelings. Me.

So I decided to accept it. Accept that it happened, accept that this kind of weakness is still in me, accept the situation, accept the person and people involved and let things unfold how they will. I'll keep going because there's obviously more for me to process and learn here, and we'll see what happens. If I react or respond to something that comes up, so be it. If I don't, so be it. But I'm not going to try to control things, especially in my own thoughts, to try to "solve" the problem of my discomfort. I'm not going to fall for the temptation to blame the situation or people involved for the way I'm feeling. Because the truth is, it's me. I was perceiving things (aka my own impressions/thoughts projected outward) that made me uncomfortable. And the best thing I can do for myself and everyone else is to see through these egoic perspectives and continue feeling and processing this stuff coming up in my body/mind.

Whatever comes to pass is what needs to come to pass. I don't need to try to change and control things and others to make the situation perfect according to the preferences and standards of my ideas/thoughts/current comfort level. It's simply an ecosystem for me to process certain perceptions, beliefs, judgments, thoughts and feelings. That's all. It's a container, and a relatively safe, insignificant and fleeting one at that. It's exactly as it needs to be and will unfold as it needs to unfold until I've learned what I need to learn and naturally detach/move on. All I need to do is show up and be there. Life will handle the rest, just as the mind solved its own problem of needing to solve the problem. When the time comes I'll either observe or respond, and whatever it is will be right in the grand summation.

What a relief to surrender control! What a relief to accept what is! What a relief to accept others and myself! Thank you, mind, for clarifying yourself once again! Now that my feelings have worked their way through I feel grateful to it now, and to everyone there. They deserve my thanks, not my judgments. So thank you, people who stirred my uncomfortable feelings.