dec19

Being loved for something you're not
is supremely unsatisfying.
Smiles and care coming in from all over
for a projected image
a pleasing mirage.
But the costs for the truth
could be so great
Could mean losing it all.
In order to gain...
what, exactly?

One of the ways to reach the point
of being willing to take the risk,
is to gain much through force and falsity
and to find it all lacking.
Empty, hollow, unsatisfying, tedious
another splintered raft to cling to.
So why waste more energy
in keeping up facades?
Why not let them go
and return to being true?

This is why it's good to pursue desires
with a mind open to the eventual results.
To find again and again
that it all dissappoints
and disappears eventually.
Every castle, no matter how marvelous
crumbles into sand
and washes back into the sea
like it was never there at all.
Someday this body will too.

Pleasant smiles, pleasant conversations.
Never too angry, never too sad.
A billion laughing faces on a billion glossy posters.
So I guess it must be me
And I wouldn't want to be rude.
There's little worse than that.
Who could care for someone
who won't even smile?
Who could admire someone so careless?
Who could love someone so sad and tired and useless?

I'll change myself
I'll fix myself.
I'll get better
I'll be better.
I'll be strong, and happy, and beautiful, and perfect.
Until I can't anymore.
And the truth wells up like a hundred coming floods
To pour itself out in desperate waves of grief.
I'm still sad! I'm still lonely! I'm still afraid! I'm still horny! I'm still here!
Look at me! Acknowledge me! Let me be too!!

So much to reconcile
So much to feel.
Feeling strong, feeling weak.
Feeling beautiful, feeling ugly.
Feeling confident, feeling insecure.
Feeling brave, feeling fearful.
Feeling connected, feeling alone.
Is it really possible to make room for it all?
Without the tension, without the confusion?
Without the denial and the delusion?

The sun shining down on soft skin.
The clouds passing swiftly across the sky.
What do they have to say?
We see all of you.
See you whole, and complete, and shining in every instant.
Hardly different in essence than ourselves.
We see you laughing, see you weeping.
See you painting portraits, see you squatting down to shit.
See you being as you were meant to be
So so human.

So why not try letting it all be what it is? Right now? Right here?
Feeling sad? Being sad. Feeling happy? Being happy.
Feeling lonely? Being lonely. Feeling worthy? Being worthy.
Without thinking more on it than that?
Without telling yourself you're this or you're that
Or that you were this yesterday and tomorrow you'll be that
Because you aren't, you weren't, and you won't be
You are, have always been and always will be
so much more than you can think, feel,
or ever comprehend.