loneliness

During my meditations lately, and sometimes throughout the days, feelings of deep loneliness have been surfacing regularly. For a moment today I felt a little bit alarmed by it, that something might be wrong. It's obvious that I'm in a delicate place socially right now, so feelings of loneliness are to be expected. At the same time though, I'm completely capable of connecting with others whenever I want, and I know plenty of people who would be glad to. So it's deeper than the usual social loneliness that can be cured with some company.

I think what I'm feeling lately, viscerally feeling, is the loneliness I've experienced since I was a child but never really let myself acknowledge and feel. I've always stubbornly resisted the prospect that I could be lonely. How could I be? I was always liked and had plenty of friends. I was always engaging with others and generally enjoying myself. On some level I saw loneliness as a weakness that I didn't have, that I was stronger than. And eventually I started whitewashing over it with more spiritual thoughts about oneness and such.

All of this was on the surface, whether in the world or the surface of the mind. Deep underneath, likely before even the formation of my earliest conscious memory, a core of fundamental loneliness was forming and pulsating. It's been there so long that it just feels normal to me, to have this gnawing void separating me from both aspects of myself and from feeling deeply and safely connected with others. I've come to learn that it might feel existential but it's basically emotional loneliness, which first comes about from a lack of emotional connection with family. Once this feeling of aloneness from loved ones is established it's very challenging to overcome, often requiring a bit of luck/grace along the path of life. Meeting trustworthy adults who you're able to connect with for example.

I didn't really come across that, so that core of loneliness persisted. Worse than that, I was compelled and capable of crafting a persona to try to get what I'd come to feel fundamentally unworthy of. I was able to start acting in ways that concealed what I'd come to see as unacceptable and unlovable flaws in myself, and the persona was eventually able to receive everything I wasn't given from my family when I was a more instinctual being acting out of my true feelings and nature.

But beneath that persona, underneath the act, the core of loneliness continued to pulsate and grow. And behind it remained those parts of me that felt unwanted, unloved, hurt, afraid, ashamed, guilty, broken, helpless, alone. It might sound dramatic but it's incredibly common, and sad.

So basically, I see the finally coming to the surface of this loneliness to be a blessing in disguise. It seems to me that another aspect of the truth of my experience is coming out of subconscious repression and into the light of consciousness to finally be acknowledged, felt and released. The truth of my loneliness, which I'd refused to acknowledge and allow myself to feel.

I don't know what's going to happen as I continue to feel into it. All I know is that I don't want to live in denial anymore. So we'll see I guess.

I feel lonely. Incredibly, deeply, profoundly lonely, and I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. I accept the truth of this. I welcome it.