dec15

Woke up this morning with the sun shining through the window. I decided to do my meditation in a sunbeam on the floor, and when the timer went off I didn't want to stop. I ended up sitting for about 3 hours, with some stretching in between.

It was really nice, just to sit with some music playing and the sun warming my skin while the body/mind processed and released whatever thoughts and feelings came to the surface. Since I was so content to be there I told myself I'd sit until I felt whatever feelings I still needed to process, knowing that that was probably too ambitious for this one sit. It was interesting to be there for an extended time watching them working their way to the surface and dissolving. Here and there I could feel specific places in the body where something felt tight or stuck, and I'd find myself intuitively tapping or massaging the area while the pain worked its way to the surface as grief. I only got up when I did because I got hungry, and because the sun was going out of basking range.

Right now I'm feeling inclined to start winding down some of the things I've been participating in for a while. I guess certain things have come to light that are calling for some shedding of old patterns, activities and relationships. It's always interesting how suddenly that moment can come - the moment when it feels time to move on from things.

For the time being, I mainly want to focus on working a chill job to fund the continued exploration of myself and things I'm drawn to while indulging in plenty of self care, nurturing and pampering. I don't want to play any particular roles or be deeply involved in anyone else's life, feelings or problems. I've been enmeshed and pulled apart for long enough. I want to be more present with my own process now, more available for my own enjoyment and relaxation, and maybe share a bit of clearly boundaried time with others once in a while. That's pretty much it. I don't want to check in on people or pass a bunch of messages back and forth to alleviate boredom, loneliness or anxiety. I want to be present with my feelings and do my own thing while engaging at my own pace and in alignment with my own needs and priorities. Unless they need something specifically from me, others can take care of themselves.

I'm looking forward to it. I've never had this much clarity around what I want and need, and I know more is still to come as I continue exploring and following my intuition. I have a short term vision and a more long-term one. The short term one will be given my full attention and moved into a step at a time, while the long-term vision is a loose set of circumstances to move towards but which I'm not necessarily going to try to make happen, especially not prematurely. It can only come about if I continue prioritizing myself. Of course I'll have to be ready to be with my own and others' feelings as I leave them to their own problems and feelings as I tend to my own, but it'll be worth moving into and through that. I'll try to do it more skillfully and compassionately than I did in the past when I was less conscious of why I was feeling and reacting the way I was.

It occured to me the other day that for quite some time now I've been preparing for death, and now it feels like I'm preparing to live. It was moving to consider, and it makes sense. I have been going through a kind of death to make room for something new.

Interesting to note how I feel right now compared to last night. Maybe because I just spent 3 hours resting and processing all that junk. Meditating in the sun rulez.