dependency

Little by little I've been reducing all of my old coping mechanisms, distractions and numbing agents. It's taking so much presence of mind (and sometimes just the luck of a grounding thought floating by) not to get caught up in the projections created by the emotions I'm opening myself to. And I have been getting caught up in them.

It's a big experiment really. I know how I'm supposedly meant to be living according to general consensus but it just doesn't seem right to me. Being dependent on so many stimulants, depressants, interactions, and activities just to avoid slipping into an emotional black hole? Humans supposedly went centuries without these things and while it does seem like we've never been so comfortable on the outside, we've also never been so uncomfortable within. There's something not right about all of it. And I know, experientially I know, that all that's really needed to be happy is the slightest of internal shifts. External circumstances are entirely perceived and evaluated based on interpretations emerging from internal contents. It all begins and ends in the body/mind.

I'm not convinced that many of these external things are truly relevent unless/until they're believed to be. Most seem to compound suffering as much as they alleviate it so as long as dependency is there, freedom and happiness remain constrained.