cleansed

Had an exchange with a friend recently that set off an upsurge of uncomfortable emotions. Irritation, anxiety, frustration, defensiveness. My body was tense and uncomfortable and my thoughts were mostly circling around it. I felt strung out and drained.

I knew that something deeper must've been triggered so I did my best to let the thoughts go and focus on the feelings in the body. It wasn't easy, I felt cut off from them somehow. In other situations recently it's been pretty visceral, like feeling through the heat of anger over a passing incident with a stranger, but maybe since this was more complex it was less straightforward to process and release? I'm not sure.

After getting home for the day I lay in bed and gave myself more room to settle my thoughts and feel. Again I mostly felt slightly numb so I tried breathing into it and just giving it time. I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to release whatever was coming up. I also wanted the discomfort and circular thinking to pass.

Eventually I went to take a shower and as soon as I started shampooing the floodgates opened up. I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying about but god damn was I crying. I did my best not to get too caught up in the thoughts and just let the feelings out of my system, trusting that doing so would change my perspectives and responses without the need for active thought right then. Trusting that wisdom would come later.

I felt so refreshed after. Body and mind relaxed again. Feeling light and unworried. Cleansed inside and out.