anguish

Processed yet more goo today, this time through a visual and sensory exploration of what I came to describe as anguish.

As I closed my eyes and opened myself to the discomfort bubbling up, images came to mind that reminded me of the shriveled little voldemort near the end of the last harry potter. I let the emotions flare up and consume my body while continuing to watch the sensations and images. At the peak of it the creature was shrieking and writhing in agony but then slowly started to morph into a younger me, frozen and curled into myself, alone and surrounded by darkness. I recognized it as the familiar experience of distress and fear, compounded over years of feeling unable to express it and having no one reliable to go to for comfort.

So, I visualized myself as I am now moving towards my younger self, shining with light to dispel the dark while bringing warmth and comfort. I basically gave myself what I needed back then, which was just to be held by someone safe and reminded that I would be okay. After some time, the feelings abated and the visuals transitioned to a more relaxed and contented scene. I stayed with them until the sensations passed and returned to neutrality.

At one point I intuitively felt how far back this went and was struck with sadness and compassion at the thought of myself so young and alone in that state. The people in my life weren't able to be there for me in my distress - actually they were typically the cause of it. They were too absorbed in their own feelings and generally unequipped to provide much comfort (something I've consequently experienced in myself). Even when they tried, I could usually sense that it was more about them than me. It would often take on a sort of reversal where I would pretend to feel better to comfort them.

Grateful for the continued grieving, understanding and integration. And for this frankly bizarre capacity to go back in time and make things right. Now I'm pooped and shall watch a movie and maybe take a nap. Adieu.