guilt

Had an unexpected release of a very deep wound that got triggered by a song from the tarzan soundtrack (of course).

Since I was a kid, I was implicitly and explicitly given the message on a routine basis that I was a burden in some way, that others had to sacrifice and suffer for me and so on. I went through so much guilt over this which some lyrics in the song brought back up. I found myself, as I had many times in the past, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and remorse for the pain I caused. And then another voice came in and told me, clearly and firmly, that it wasn't my fault, that it was never my fault. That I was unfairly blamed for things that weren't my responsibility and given burdens that weren't mine to bear. That I was and have always been a gift to everyone who's known me. And that I deserved to be cherished for it, not made to feel guilty.

I'm grateful to have been shown this. I'm not going to waste any more of myself on those who treat me that way. Who put me down, disregard me, shift blame onto me, use, abuse or otherwise mistreat me. Why do that to myself? I see now that I am and have always been a blessing to those I share myself with. If the gifts of my presence aren't being valued, I'll gladly go back to enjoying them myself.

Considering this more deeply, what really needs to change is that I stop mistreating myself. It may have started in childhood but after that it was my conditioned beliefs and the resulting behaviors that invited and allowed mistreatment. I put myself down, disregarded myself, shifted blame onto myself, used, abused and otherwise mistreated myself, and others naturally played along. So I'm the one who needs to cherish, value and enjoy myself. Others then have no option but to follow suit or look elsewhere for someone to diminish.

I've already found that to be the case. It seems like the moment I become aware of a deeper layer of my own intrinsic worth, the universe instantly adapts and others treat me better. They pick up right away in my energy and responses (or lack thereof) that I'm not going to engage in certain things anymore. Without any force or negotiation, my relationships are changed almost overnight. Just by the change in my relationship with/perception of myself.