mar16

Some miscellaneous reflections from the past few days:

• More than anything about others, my interactions reveal to me my own values and beliefs. What I see on the surface of others' behaviors tells me little about them overall. What I'm seeing are primarily reflections of what's going on within my own mind, thought processes and my emotional reactions to those thoughts/interpretations. When I find myself respecting or admiring an aspect of someone's behavior, it shows that both I and that person place value in that quality. If I'm disappointed or disgusted, it shows that I value the opposite expression of that quality while the other person likely doesn't value it as much or at all. If I consistently do something with or towards others that makes me feel integrous and capable, it points towards something I would likely qualify as a strength. If I consistently do (or fail to do) something with or towards others that makes me feel low and incapable, it points towards a perceived weakness. This is all relative and mostly to do with ego development. It's best to hold these judgments lightly, acknowledging/noting is usually sufficient.

• After spending some time with older people who seem like they'll be firmly entrenched in the narrow confines of their ego stories until their dying days, it's feeling increasingly like it's in my best interests to continue working on loosening the grip of my own and spending as much time as possible outside of them. It just seems like a sad and lifeless place for awareness to be, especially approaching the end. I would rather be in a state of openness, appreciation and curiosity than constantly reliving and rehashing tired old interpretations and judgments of perceived events. I don't want to waste what little time I have left in this life projecting and defending illusions against illusions.

• My personal preferences and ideas still have a strong grip on my mind while with others. My intellect especially can create thick barriers. While listening, it was a constant practice to disengage from the specifics of their words (or rather, from my own intellect interpreting their words) and stay with the essence/reality of what was happening. If I gave too much attention to the words and intellectual processes, I usually found myself feeling bored or irritated by what I was hearing. This caused an energy to build that compelled me to either correct their thoughts or withdraw/retreat, both of which would only increase resistance. It would be better to continue practicing detachment from the intellect while with others, especially during interactions that don't involve an open, balanced and nourishing exchange of thoughts.

• In most cases, what others think is none of my concern or interest. I don't need or want to get invested just because someone is talking (at) me. I also don't need to take their thoughts/words seriously. They're sounds echoing into space, beyond that they have as much influence on reality/myself as I give them.

• I want to continue practicing maintaining psychological/emotional boundaries while with others. I don't want my internal states to be so influenced by those I'm around. The best way to do that, I think, is to stay focused on my own energy and processes. When I'm focused on others, I tend to lose consciousness and become more reactive to the energy, emotions and words in the environment. When I'm staying focused on my own, my awareness stays detached from others and attuned to myself and the deeper/broader context. Basically, I want to practice being in meditation all the time. Whatever happens outside can be observed and considered but I don't want it dictating what I do and feel.

• I want to find a better balance in social situations between ignoring others and giving them too much attention/energy. It doesn't feel right not to acknowledge people but in most cases I also don't want to give the impression that I'm open to chit chat. Eye contact and courteous acknowledgement will probably do, while being "friendly" is probably a step too far. A subtle dance.

• Uncomfortable situations and relationships can put a lot of stress on the body/mind for a concentrated period but I also learn a lot from them. Even though I struggle in the moment, I don't think I need to totally avoid or be afraid of them. As long as I can recover in solitude afterwards, it's useful to intentionally wade into the swamps of social discomfort once in a while, if only to practice for the times they're unavoidable. Nonetheless, I'll keep it to responding as needed while putting the bulk of my energy towards what I find nourishing and want to do/explore/enjoy.

• It's become clearer that one of the main obstacles to feeling at peace is attachment to my thoughts as they arise. It was interesting to go in and out of them over the past couple days, and to note that I've at least become less emotionally reactive to them. It was easier to see that when I got irritated or angry, it was actually my own thoughts/interpretations causing it. At which point I'd disengage and relax. Still, it's challenging to stay with that while engaging. I want to stop indulging the impulse to project blame onto others. I want to practice taking full responsibility for my feelings.