feb10

Came across some videos of people doing various kinds of drugs, usually street drugs but sometimes things like weed and alcohol. Some of them were funny in how absurd and almost cartoonish the drugs made them act but some of them were more sad. They all had a sad undertone though, I guess because I figured they were probably masking and numbing pain. In some cases they seemed like somewhat naive people being mistreated, like ones where "friends" were egging them on to take more and more when they'd already taken way too much, to the point that I felt anxious watching them because I could imagine how physically terrible it would feel to drink/smoke that much of something. But instead of having someone around that cared about their wellbeing, they were encouraged to keep going and essentially hurt themselves. So basically they were doing it in part to be accepted/praised and avoid judgment/bullying from a pack of jackals who were using them as a source of inflation and entertainment.

It's interesting how the same basic pain can lead one to either self harm or to harming others, I suppose depending on nature and upbringings. It's not that simple or mutually exclusive but there's usually a noticable difference between the more lamblike self-harmer who is more masochistically seeking acceptance and approval and the more wolflike other-harmer who is more sadistically creating an atmosphere of pressure, hostility and judgment. Basically versions of the codependent/narcissist dynamics playing out. Both are avoiding themselves and their pain in different but complementary ways. Come to think of it, there might also be hierarchical dominance elements that shift depending on who's around.

I'm guessing most people who get that deeply into substances weren't given much love from an early age, or were given twisted, abusive, incompatible or insufficient versions of it that didn't allow for harmonious psychological and/or emotional growth/development. Some of them were so far gone that the term "hungry ghosts" was coming to mind. They were like zombies, empty vessels whose consciousness' were either obliterated or wandering another plane while their bodies continued rudimentary operations.

Thinking about it now makes me consider how it could've been a lot worse for me. I wonder if it's almost a ratio thing in terms of how loved you were and how you were loved as a child. So I was given enough love to avoid becoming a hungry ghost but not enough to feel happy and really thrive growing up. I was given enough love that I didn't actively feel the urge to obliterate my consciousness but not enough to avoid developing codependent and addictive/numbing patterns. I was given enough love that I could learn and function well enough to socialize and work but not enough to forgo the need to actively monitor and improve my internal processes. I was loved in ways that taught me to take satisfactory care of myself physically and materially but not in ways that taught me to take care of myself psychologically and emotionally. So the areas where I was unloved or mistreated I now need to unlearn and relearn.

Thinking about it this way makes me feel more sympathetic towards my parents. The ways they were able and unable to love and care for me were reflections of the ways they themselves were and weren't. Only they weren't even given enough to develop to the point of having the means, energy and will to work on themselves the way I am now, on top of other circumstancial factors. I guess I need to figure out how to reconcile the two, because getting too involved will inhibit that development but I also don't want to abandon them to the fate of the terminally loveless. I was able to find a source of love in myself but that may not be a realistic possibility for them. I'm really not sure.

I'm determined not to self-sacrifice or expose myself to optional social harm anymore but I'd like to share mutual care in some capacity if possible. It's hard to find the right ways to do that when things are so imbalanced. Pretty much my whole life we've been speaking different languages, with me prioritizing the internal/intangible and them prioritizing the external/material. Misunderstandings and conflicts abound while the ways that we can genuinely resonate and connect are limited and often at odds in terms of needs, values, preferences and comfort levels.

Anyways, feelin sluggy this morning so that's as far as I can get for now.