stupid

I know what I need to do - to let go of my grip on the wheel and let things take their course for a while. To just focus on my health, happiness and healing and let life handle the rest.

I seem to be afraid to let go into that degree of trust. I still find myself anxiously ruminating, trying to fix things that don't need my fixing, trying to control fate when I have no clue what's really to come about as a result of my actions. It's all foolishness - it's no way to live. It's pointless stress. Pointless unhappiness. Pointless clinging. To what?

Life is so fragile. These endless attempts to hold onto things are so pathetic and stupid. It's all fading into dust no matter what, including this body. So what am I holding onto exactly? In many cases, a false sense of security. Stupid, stupid way to live.

What would it be like to really let go? To really accept the ephemerality and impermanence of it all? To let things come and go as they will, as they're bound to, as they must? Rather than chasing and clawing and clinging and worrying about a hundred scenarios that will in all likelihood never come about, and which all represent the same conclusion anyways - the same inevitable outcome?

Stupid, stupid! Stupid way to live. A waste of this precious gift. Just to be, and to be me of all things! Wasting it in worries, anxieties, thought after thought after quavering thought.

I want to be free of this stupidity. Really free of it, completely, not just sometimes. I don't want to live in such a stupid way anymore.

A potential cause just occured to me - I'm bored. The mind doesn't have enough stimulating and novel intake to chew on so it's digging into the past and projecting into the future. Therefore, two things to increase to decrease this stupidity:

1. More meditation
2. More fun