conditioning vs authenticity

Over the past few years, I've been in something of a struggle for my freedom. It's conflicting because in many cases it's freedom from things that could be seen as positive but which I simply don't want or need, whether in general or at the time that others are offering/asking for time, attention or company. More than that, it's a struggle for freedom from my own conditioned beliefs, thoughts and feelings.

I've spent most of my life reactively accomodating those around me. When others ask something of me, I automatically tend to move to meet that request or need. There was a point when I saw this as a positive trait, which of course others reinforced. Overtime though, I've come to see how much I've sacrificed and how many problems I've created by doing this while neglecting myself.

It's something that operates on some deep levels, right down to the level of spirit. On the deepest level, there's a feeling in my heart/being that either vibrates contentedly or blossoms and soars when I'm being true to myself and responding to what actually resonates with my own wants and needs. In these moments I find life to be enjoyable, beautiful and full of opportunities for learning and play. Then when others inevitably propose/ask for my engagement with something I don't want, my heart closes up and my head takes over. Life suddenly shifts to feeling stressful and burdensome as I'm met with the seeming necessity to do something that doesn't resonate to make someone else happy.

My particular conditioning led me to develop feelings of obligation towards others, as well as strong feelings of guilt should I fail to satisfy. This came from a childhood where my own desires and feelings were largely disregarded. What mattered was whether I was making others happy. If I failed or resisted, I was generally guilted and shamed into acquiescence and improved performance. This ended up extending into every area of my life in some way. It basically served as a kind of brainwashing that I'm now slowly unraveling. I'm learning that I need to involve and prioritize myself in every equation rather than just becoming what others want me to be. If I don't, everyone loses out it in the longrun - and I mean everyone. Something that seems obvious on some levels but doesn't come naturally in practice.

Now, as a (technically) free adult, I can still experience a lot of internal friction as I navigate relationships, particularly now that I'm actively resisting my conditioning. Simple texts coming in can send me into a flurry of internal conflict as I'm faced with the prospect of either saying/doing something that doesn't resonate or disappointing someone I care about. When I was younger I didn't experience much of this conflict, I just adapted and made time for everyone. Now, however, everything in me seems to scream against continuing to do so. I can't seem to tolerate giving away my time and energy in that way anymore and feel intense discomfort when I perform feelings and gestures that aren't genuine. There seem to be two opposing forces struggling for dominance - the head and the heart. Conditioning and authenticity. Pleasing fiction and inconvenient truth.

I think it's partly because I'm seeing more clearly how every compromise adds up and compounds. Each one is essentially a lie that contributes to an increasingly disharmonious and unsatisfying life experience. If I'm not actually happy to do something but pretend I am to make someone else happy, that gets filed away into their mind as something that I'm happy to do with them. Thus the requests and offers continue, with each one taking up the space/time of something that could be more resonant, harmonious and nourishing for both of us. Whereas if I do the difficult thing of disappointing them right away, it stops there. I free them up to find others who are more compatible and available while freeing myself up to do what I actually feel called to by my own heart. In doing so others also tend to benefit far more, often in more intangible, indirect and unexpected ways.

It's all technically simple but it's incredible how my thoughts and emotions can go into a sudden spiral. This is why rational solutions and argumentation are rarely sufficient when it comes to trauma and conditioning. The conditioned beliefs and emotions essentially flare up and hijack perception and actions, making it a struggle to see or think clearly while in that state. When it passes I tend to find myself looking back and thinking wow, wtf was that about? It's all very disorienting and inconvenient, for myself and others at times. It tends to overcomplicate things that could otherwise be simple.

Luckily though, every interaction is an opportunity to process, practice and learn. Inevitably the body/mind returns to equilibrium and awareness and comprehension are refined a little more. Usually for me there's a period of high stress in which I become something of a strung out automaton which is then followed by an emotional release a day or two later, at which point I "come back down" and can reflect on what happened more clearly. This is always relieving and revealing, and often frustrating when I see how I fucked up again. On the whole though, it feels like coming alive again. The body/mind relaxes, the heart opens back up and life starts looking more beautiful and fun again.

It's best to find forgiveness and patience towards myself and others every time - to recognize that I'm not perfect and neither are they. Mistakes and misfires are part of the often bumpy and winding path towards individuation and maturation. The same issues will come around again and again until they're resolved so there's always going to be another chance to try again.