dec 20

Last night I was feeling some irritation because I could hear the tv in the room across from mine. I often have a little debate in my head in these moments. Part of me wants to correct it by asking that it be lowered and the other wants to practice experiencing and reinterpreting sources of discomfort. That's what I ended up going with for now. I'm basically using anything that triggers emotional reactions as meditation practice. I decided to surrender and relax into the feelings. After about a minute of this, I was honestly unbothered by the sounds and fell asleep pretty quickly.

Most of my frustration seems to come from the story playing in my head about it. How ridiculous it is, how inconsiderate. Something in me feels personally trodden upon, when in reality the guy probably hasn't given it a second thought - just like I don't give a second thought to a lot of what I probably do that bothers others. Even if he was a dick, it would have nothing to do with me or my stories. The truth is, I don't know what any of it is. I know for sure that there are times when sounds bother me and times when the same sounds don't, so the primary source of my discomfort has to be in my mind. It seems more sustainable to address the conflict there first. If it comes to a point where I'm feeling clear and end up addressing it through interaction then that's what'll happen but I'd rather not try to force the world to conform to the expectations created by my conditioned thought patterns anymore. There also tends to be a thought in the back of my mind that one day I may not be able to exert control over anything at all so I'd better start practicing now. Not sure whether that's wise or foolish but it's there.

In other news, I've been making some quality of life investments lately that I'm pretty happy with. I got a collapsible stand to elevate my laptop, comfier clothes to sleep in, a filtering water pitcher and a kettle for my room. I tried out some new duvet sets too but the one I already have ended up being better overall so I decided to leave it as is. Aside from that I've donated all my excess clothing and clutter so materially I'm feeling nice and light. Today I'm going to try out some shoes to replace my very worn out current ones. I'm also on the hunt for some really comfortable underwear. Supportive and flexible but not tight around the hips or crotch, since I've been feeling more aware lately that those areas are almost always being pressed in by fabric which I doubt is good for overall circulation of blood/energy/etc. I've noticed that when clothes are pressing on my torso I tend to feel more anxiety so I know these kinds of things can subtly influence my emotions too. Hopefully I can find something that feels like I'm wearing nothing at all (nothing at all! nothing at all!)