silent retreat #2

Just finished a 5 day meditation retreat! Some immediate reflections:

• The first 2-3 days were pretty grueling as the body adjusted to the sudden influx of early mornings, prostrations and long sits. My leg and core muscles feel noticably thicker and stronger. The last 2 days I barely slept but still felt energized.

• Talking to others again afterwards felt almost like socializing after taking a stimulant. Overshared with the first person I spoke to who quickly found an excuse to exit the conversation, which initially had me feeling embarrassed but after some processing I decided that it's not such a bad thing to quickly weed incompatible people out. It was interesting to experience since normally I'd have been more reserved and casual.

• Feel very "in myself" rather than in my environment right now. The various sounds around the house seem more distant than usual. Also feel more sensitive and emotionally raw.

• Meditating in a chair seems to have weakened the muscles I trained from meditating on a cushion. Had to put a ton of energy into maintaining and adjusting my posture which initially felt very forced and draining but started to get easier by the end. I brought it up with someone afterwards and they said I've been making it too easy for myself by meditating in a chair with headphones in, which was a good observation. During the retreat I was far more distractible by the environment/others and my body than I used to be. Consequently I wasn't able to go very deep except for brief stretches here and there.

• I would say I spent roughly 60-70% of total meditation time dozing in my seat. I can only wonder how I might be feeling right now if that time had actually been spent in meditation.

• On the first day, especially during the very first sit, the silence was smothering. I became self conscious of how loud it was whenever I swallowed and started overthinking it/trying not to which only seemed to increase my saliva production tenfold. By the end of the day I was swallowing and adjusting as needed, though I continued to be aware of the sound of it within and around me.

• Some of the food they served was definitely making us gassy (beans and cheese?? Come on!!). This was obvious by how often various stomachs could be heard violently gurgling during sits, and by how often I had to suddenly clench with all my might to prevent letting one out in the incredibly silent hall. During one sit I spent several minutes trying very hard not to smile/laugh when someone's stomach was going off and the thought "man, she really needs to fart" came in response.

• It's amazing how the same thoughts will repeat over and over and over if given the space to. One notable one that wouldn't cease for more than a few minutes at a time for the first 3 days was the theme song for the new adventures of winnie the pooh. I initially just had to accept its near-constant presence but on day 4 I was able to fade it out.

• There was a moment while doing walking meditations when there was about 20 of us in the hall and the only sounds were the shuffling of footsteps and the creaking of floorboards. Then I noticed that the entire time my mind had been chattering away nonstop. Random thoughts about this and that, much of it incredibly stupid, sometimes funny, sometimes annoying. It then occured to me that every one of us was slowly walking around this silent room with this nonstop chattering in each of our heads, and that that's going on all the time for almost our entire lives, filling up every inch of outer silence with noise. The actual silence and beauty of the physical space around me was only briefly and occasionally noticed/appreciated. The rest of the time I was drowning in thoughts.

• After spending so much time with my own thoughts, an old interaction came back to me. Someone had once basically commented that I was cool/nice and my partner at the time said that I wasn't cool or nice but grumpy and goofy. I didn't agree at the time but after this retreat I absolutely cannot deny that most of my unfiltered thoughts do indeed fluctuate between grumpy and goofy. I spent a good deal of time either annoyed at what I perceived to be buffoonery or smiling at stray silly thoughts. This can contrast with the impression others have of me from a distance. It made me think about how there seems to be an automatic selecting of which thoughts to withhold or present to others and made me see how little the ones expressed may represent most of what's going on in our heads. It left me with a greater awareness and acceptance of our different sides which often just don't get expressed.

• This is the second retreat I've done here and this time around it lost much of it's magic. Interactions with inhabitants have come to feel insincere, demoralizing and not worth the risk of potential entanglement. The surface is beautiful but the core seems to be rotting away.

• The talks from the speaker at the last retreat were short and simple but they came from somewhere deeper and reached something deeper in me that inspired me to push myself. At this one they were disjointed and meandering and left me considering whether we might all be one big race of phonies who are only ever more or less aware of our phoniness. They had me thinking that the main thing to decide was whether or not I wanted to play this particular game of pretend with these particular people. Ultimately though, regardless of how I felt about the talks, I took in some things that were useful to me.

• Going into the retreat I expected that I would feel progressively more clear and light as it went on. What actually happened was that I found myself feeling more worn out and irritable with each day. This was still very useful, as I was forced to be with the thoughts and feelings coming up since I had literally nothing else to do. Despite it not feeling good much of the time, I got a lot out of it in ways that are hard to concisely convey. Fleeting moments and observations that started with discomfort and led to deeper clarity or acceptance. I was also able to see once again how the real fire of my anger comes from buried internal pain and resulting interpretations, despite seeming to be caused by someone else in the present. There was a moment towards the end that served as a reminder of the damage that can be done when I react to situations while the fire is burning rather than first concentrating on processing it within.

• This was a humbling experience. Some of the others were able to sit effortlessly and silently for long stretches while I spent a good deal of time struggling to stay awake, sit up straight and get any meditating done. This initially set off some insecurities to work through but in the end I was left feeling grateful towards them and more accepting of myself and my limitations. It was interesting to see how the ego will scan any environment for things to compare and evaluate itself with, even something like sitting quietly and breathing. It was useful and slightly amusing to see that process playing out without interruption.

• I often found myself noticing how dignified and beautiful the others looked while sitting relaxed but alert with their spines upright. There was also an endearing innocence to those struggling to stay awake.

• The moments of clarity/insight were so distinct from the usual circling of random nonsense. Each time they floated up I was compelled to go and write them down, and I made 8 short notes in all. These thoughts felt substantial and important while the rest were more like old recordings or empty chatter whooshing about on the surface, yanking my attention here and there.