listening

Had an interesting shift while listening to someone today. At first while listening I was mostly caught up in thoughts - about my impression of the person, the way they were speaking, the things they were saying, weighing their ideas against mine, comparing and contrasting. I actually found myself feeling irritable because of some of the thoughts that were resulting.

Then the thought entered that it didn't matter what was being said or how. Evaluating his words against the words in my head was pointless since I don't really know anything anyways, I just have ideas that are different from his. Once that kicked in, the thoughts faded and I just looked and listened with a silent mind. And I saw myself in him, trying to express something inexpressible and struggling just as I always do. More than that, simply trying to connect. More than that even, simply trying to be in the presence of others, and to be seen and received.

The words didn't matter, and the way of speaking and any other qualities about the speaker were incidental. They can't be helped. So everything going through my mind was inconsequential. All that really mattered was that I was looking at an expression of life, just like myself.

There was an innocence and purity to it after that. Actually it looked like my whole field of vision filled with light somehow once I was able to just look and listen without my thoughts in the way. It was beautiful.

It made me consider some of the arguments I've had lately, both out loud and in my head. How I focussed in on the words being said and became frustrated at the contents or conveyance. And how it caused me to lose sight of the person underneath and dismiss them. Giving too much attention to the words made me lose sight of what they really are, which made me lose my compassion and ability to relate.

After a recent argument, I went through several stages of processing. At each one I found myself writing out a message to them, and depending on the thoughts and feelings crossing my awareness the message would be different. Initially it was all focussed on the contents of our argument and clarifying my case where I saw it to have been misunderstood. But eventually I had a similar realization that the words didn't matter. What mattered was that we were both trying and failing to express that we were hurt and what we needed. We were both too caught up in our thoughts and the thoughts being expressed to really see or hear each other. The argument itself came about because of how caught up in our different ideas we were. In the differences in our words, essentially. Their words would bring up discomfort in me and mine would in them. To alleviate it we would essentially try to correct each other's ideas, which only created friction and frustration.

So much of the friction I feel in life comes from this way of thinking. Measuring thoughts against thoughts. The words in my head causing me to feel discomfort while with others. What if I just disengaged from them? Saw them for the flimsy projections that they are? Utterly inadequate to encompass anything, mere symbols that somehow generate emotional reactions in the body? Fascinating and compelling, but essentially incorrect? What if I just let them go while with others? What if I just looked and listened? What would that be like? What would happen? How would I respond?