dec30

I am responsible for my problems.
I am responsible for my feelings.
I am responsible for my struggles.
I am responsible for my fears.

I've been conditioned to give my power and responsibility away, but others are not really responsible. I am, in every scenario. Many circumstances are beyond my control, but the responsibility for what arises for me within those circumstances is mine alone.

It's me who's held back by myself.
It's me who's shaping my life and making my choices.
It's me who's responding the way I do to others and life.
It's me who's engaging with who and what I'm engaging with and who and what I'm not.

Nobody is making me do anything anymore. Nobody is forcing me into any interaction or to take any action. It's me who chooses to enter, me who chooses to stay and me who chooses to act in the ways that I do. It all begins and ends in my own body/mind.

It's me who needs to solve my problems.
It's me who needs to feel my feelings.
It's me who needs to watch my thoughts.
It's me who needs to take care of myself.

What am I trying to get at with this? Today I felt annoyed by some people and circumstances in my life, but I realized that it was really my own self I was annoyed at. My annoyance was stirred by my own reactions and my own choices. I'm the one who chose to respond the way I did in those interactions and with those people that led to my carrying forward feelings of irritation. I could have responded differently or not at all, but I didn't. I was instead compelled to adhere to my programming, suppress my true thoughts and feelings and respond in overly agreeable ways.

The thing is, in the moment I'm basically powerless against these reactions. They arise habitually, along with my frustration and irritation at the consequences which are often projected onto the other, as if they forced me to sit there and engage with them in the ways I chose to. In truth, I could get up and walk away at any moment or respond in totally different ways. I could say no thanks or that I'm not interested in what they're saying. But I continue to deny my true freedom and power and invite these irritating interactions into my space and mind, mainly because I lack the confidence and willingness to be really true to myself. I lose touch with myself. I try to be courteous, polite and considerate, sometimes naturally and sincerely but sometimes because I'm afraid of being treated badly and standing up for myself. I make myself accommodating and useful and then get annoyed when I'm trodden on and used. Others aren't responsible, it's 100% on me. I'm not to blame for my programming and feelings, but I am responsible for dealing with them. I am responsible.

It seems that anytime I try to force anything in myself or my life, even in the smallest interaction, it quickly ends up feeling stressful and wrong. Because I'm straining and working against myself!! My true Self, the deeper Self underneath the conditioned projections and thoughts. Things fall into place naturally when I'm just resting in That without doing or demanding anything more than comes naturally. Whenever I'm tempted by the prospect of something more IN MY THOUGHTS, something that APPEARS better IN MY MIND, whenever I push myself to perform something that isn't already coming naturally, I quickly come to see that, in reality, it isn't actually for me. Then I get stressed or annoyed by this situation, thing or person I'm pushing myself to engage with in certain ways, and I feel beholden because I'm the one who reached out or reached back. It's fuckin annoying.

I want to be free, really free. I want to be free to be me, really me!!

But is it possible? Is it really, really? Or is the reality that this is just a detached, intellectual exploration that can't practically be applied to reality because we all need to flow amongst each other in prescriptive ways? I don't really believe that, but I also don't really know in practice. Because once I finish writing this, within a matter of minutes my thoughts will swarm back in and suck me back into the immense gravitational pull of HABIT. I'll do what I've always done, think how I've always thought, respond how I've always responded, without even being aware of all the myriad ways I could respond instead. And then I'll get annoyed, and drained, and irritated, and frustrated, and feel unable to express these things for fear of the consequences. And then my mind will blame the apparent external causes of my feelings because deep down I feel powerless, insecure and afraid.

I'm tired of blaming others for my feelings and actions. It's such a waste of time and energy. I am responsible. Others are not responsible. I am responsible. It's my own sleepiness, unawareness and fearfulness. It's my own body/mind confining itself!! I am my own prison and my own prisoner, my own warden and my own liberator. It's all happening in me, me, ME!!

Oh, and one more thing. Just like me, others have been conditioned to give their power and responsibility away too. However,

I am NOT responsible for anyone else's problems.
I am NOT responsible for anyone else's feelings.
I am NOT responsible for anyone else's struggles.
I am NOT responsible for anyone else's fears.

I don't have dependents and am therefore responsible for myself and myself only. Others may project their responsibility onto me just like I do at times, may want to make me responsible for them, and it's my responsibility NOT to accept it.

I am responsible for myself. Others are responsible for themselves. Taking responsibility for others helps no one. It is an exercise in mutually assured destruction.

My responsibility is to listen to myself, take care of myself and fulfill my own wants and needs. I am not here to listen to, take care of or fulfill the wants and needs of others if they conflict with my own (though it may arise as a natural consequence of my meeting my own in which case it's perfectly beautiful and right for all involved). I am responsible for myself as if I was my own parent. I am under my own care. I am the only one who can hear the promptings and signals of my body and inner Self. I am responsible for following these towards my own growth/happiness/wellbeing, which is uniquely suited to me. I am only responsible for myself. Others are responsible for themselves in the same way. It is not my place to take on that responsibility for them, even if they feel upset with me for not doing so. Those feelings are their responsibility, as mine are my own.

Please help me come to understand and know this. Help it sink into my bones so I can be free of the immense burden and wastage of misplaced responsibility.