jan1 24

Another year, another entry.

This morning I woke up feeling really ungrounded, and luckily these days I'm aware that that's a sign to park my ass down and feel some feelings. So I did - meditated on them for about an hour. My mind was really active, I guess in-part because I've been being approached with potential friendships lately and feeling unsure of how to proceed with them. On the one hand I do want to engage with people and explore friendships more. It's tempting to be invited to chat and do things with others who I could be more open with, even if I don't feel fully compatible with them. But on the other hand I've noticed that when even with them I still tend to lose touch with myself and start unconsciously mirroring and over-empathizing and over-listening and acting out other submissive behaviors that drain my energy and keep me smaller than I am. So they might be enjoying the feelings I'm invoking in them and the affirming space I'm providing for them but I might not necessarily be enjoying the same on a deeper level. I tend to worry a lot about others getting too attached to me and feeling hurt when I withdraw because I don't want to do it anymore. It isn't ever their faults - it's just something I struggle with.

I guess that, for now, it's all I know in terms of being with others. It seems to be one or the other, either I'm centered and aware of myself or I'm focused on others and lose touch with myself. I don't yet know how to bring my deeper self and integrity into relationship with others. I don't yet know the limits of how much I can stay attuned to myself while in the presence of others, how much I can forgo my learned social patterns and just rest in who I am and what I'm feeling and all that, how much space I can really take up without hurting others unnecessarily. I still feel clumsy with this, my patterns can just take over and then I'm left feeling conflicted because I failed to prioritize and represent myself authentically even though I tried. I just seem to get carried away in the flow of interaction and sucked into the gravitational pull of others. It's not nearly as bad as it once was but I guess I still don't have enough connection and trust in my own gravitational center.

Initially while sitting, all these kinds of thoughts were circling my mind and calculating what to do and how to keep boundaries where I need them to be and all these other worries. But pretty quickly I recognized that it's actually my own feelings warping my perception - my own feelings of unsafety and shame and fear within my own body. I've been conditioned to react to these feelings by trying to control circumstances and other people, but the real solution is simply to make room to fully feel the feelings coming up and consequently allow the mind to correct itself. So I did - I settled deep into the body, as if I was descending out of the thought-field in the head and into the energy buzzing through the body. It's fascinating how the quality changes once the emotions are recognized and accepted. It goes from feeling intensely uncomfortable, to vivid and compelling, to even pleasurable. Just to rest in the vibrations coursing through awareness with a quiet mind. The thoughts continued to arise but I'd return to the feelings and, as usual, I eventually found myself crying. More grief, more fear, more shame, more loneliness. It was actually physically painful this time, like I was really squeezing them out of my abdomen. And then it was over and the body and mind were relaxed.

And as usual, my perception upon getting up was basically transformed. I got up, noticed how much quieter my mind was and how much more grounded I felt in the body and the thoughts came that "it's fine. My priority is myself and my recovery. If I want to do something with someone who asks I will and if I don't for whatever reason I'll just tell the truth. It's okay if I try things out and end up deciding it's not for me. There's nothing to worry about."

And that was basically that. Nothing left to think about or plan or do. Just feeling safe and grounded and capable again.

It really is all in the body/mind. Old lingering FEELINGS of unsafety, FEELINGS of fear, FEELINGS of insecurity and worry and shame and powerlessness. Once those feelings are finally opened up to, felt and released, everything is suddenly seen as clearly and simply as it really is.