apr11

Going to get back into intentional writing time. If I don't proactively make time to tune in and express, I seem to lose clarity in everything I'm doing, absorbing and processing.

Something coming to light recently is how I'm still essentially hypnotized by thoughts most of the time. Judgments, interpretations, assumptions, expectations. More and more the practice is just letting go and returning to not-knowing and okayness with what is. More than that, to sincere trust and faith in what is. Letting go of judging and trying to control life, which is so far beyond my comprehension and control it's absurd to even consider. Trusting that this body will be provided for as long as it needs to be, and that whatever happens is ultimately for the best and in truth the only thing that could happen. Trusting this river to carry me where all rivers lead.

Body/mind tired today. Thoughts this morning around what could be the cause - ie, interpreting it as something "bad/wrong" that needs to be corrected by action. Relaxing into the truth that occasional or even prolonged tiredness is okay, and that energy always returns as needed. Probably some goo working its way through. As with most things, best I can "do" is let it run its course without worrying or interfering.

What else? Some uncertainty and sadness about returning to a day job soon. It's been nice to take each day at an internally directed pace. Strictly speaking, I don't need to do this so I'm not going to make it out to be some obligation. I'm choosing to because I want more income and it feels like the time to move in this direction. It won't be forever. Still, the mind has been generating projections which of course will never come to pass. Best to let those run their course too and keep taking things a step at a time.

After some judgmental thoughts last night, returning to an awareness that I'm okay as I am and don't need to meet either my own or others' conditioned expectations for how I "should" be. Easier said than done since the habit to indulge in self-judgment is strong. It'll take time. At least now there's an underlying awareness that it's nonsense. I am as I am. I might not be the most [insert socially desirable quality here] person and I don't need to be. I just need to be. It'll likely be far more satisfying and enjoyable to embrace my natural qualities, inclinations and responses than to try to meet expectations and feel down whenever I inevitably fail to.

Also shifting towards trusting however I respond to situations that arise, even if I'm compelled to respond in ways that feel inauthentic. Trusting that even those moments are coming about the only way they could have. Remembering that it's not really about "me", it's a snapshot of a fraction of the movement of the whole unfolding across eternity.

And now, groceries!