trust

Is everyone in a near perpetual state of agitation? Is it just part of the human sickness? Why is it so rare to feel at ease?

There always seem to be things left undone, things that didn't go right, that need to be corrected, meddled with, thought about, talked about, worried about. And yet, when I reflect back on my time, what's really changed throughout all this agitation? Aside from the persistent fluctuation of thought and feeling, not much.

There has to be a more efficient way to operate. I think for me that would mean a greater emphasis on action and less in thought. Reducing that window of hesitation more and more until I'm contending with what arises as it arises. Maybe then they'll stop piling up and burying my psyche under their weight.

Approximately 3 months from now, I'll have thrust myself back into the world. Ready or not, I'll need to be ready to respond on the fly. I'll need to be ready to be honest and direct, to risk conflict and misunderstandings, to maintain positive relations while prioritizing my own freedom and values. If I don't, I'll start to lose my shit and be forced to withdraw again.

I don't want to keep doing that. It isn't necessary, just a result of habitual withholding, of conditioned fear and mistrust. Mistrust towards others, myself and life.

I want to trust again.