calculating

So much of our thinking stems from a lack of trust and confidence in ourselves to perform adequately in the moment. Even as it unfolds we've already moved onto the next in our minds, calculating how upcoming situations could play out, rehearsing what we're going to say and do.

If we're paying attention, we might eventually come to notice that the vast majority of situations don't play out the way we expect them to. There seems to be a certain small amount of preplanning that can be useful but the more specific our expectations become, the more things tend to go awry. Most of the time spent in calculation is wasted and makes us more likely to respond awkwardly when the situations actually come to pass. This is because we're responding not to the unfolding event and people but to projections that our minds have conjured based on whatever shreds of evidence we've gathered from past encounters. Fantasies about ourselves, others and the world, almost all of it inferred through the thick screens of our fears, desires, beliefs, biases and prejudices.

Even though I've seen over and over the futility and tragic wastage of this process, it's still an ongoing challenge to let go of. I continue to find my attention pulled out of the present moment and into these virtual simulations, where I plan and rehearse only to fumble over myself while trying to adapt to whatever variables I didn't account for. It really feels like a leap of faith just to let myself be without artificially imposing these expectations and behaviours in advance.

It feels like trying to let go of the reigns after decades of steering a trusty mule. It always gets me where I need to go but I still grip the reigns far too tightly, yanking the poor thing left and right in my anxiety while it steadily moves us towards our destination time and again. It's like finally saying "alright buddy, I can see now that you'll manage better without so much interference. I'll trust you to get us where we need to go." And then just sitting back and enjoying the ride.

It's intriguing in a way, I am curious. What's going to happen? Who's going to emerge as I finally start to let go?