aug30

I want to stop being phony to "connect" with people. Forcing niceties and positivity, basically. I want to have the courage and confidence to stay aligned with and express who I am rather than falling into polite chatter. I seem to get pulled into it by/with others and then keep us both stuck on that frequency when I could nudge us out of it by being more authentic and thereby creating space for others to as well. I want to be more real, even if it might make me or others feel uncomfortable or insecure. I'll try.

Part of this necessitates accepting qualities in myself like negativity, cynicism, bluntness, disinterest, impatience, annoyance, anger, selfishness, ignorance, stupidity, even intelligence, and allowing them to be expressed, seen, felt and otherwise experienced. Not hiding or glossing them over with their more pleasing and agreeable counterparts. I want to stop doing that, it feels draining and wrong and locks me and others onto the phony frequency. I want to embrace more of my humanity and embody what's really there, not just what I've been programmed to judge as better or more socially acceptable. I noticed that anytime I'm not being true to myself, usually in an attempt to make others (and myself) more comfortable, I'm rapidly drained of energy. When I let myself be as I am, I feel contented and at ease.

I want to continue moving into forgiveness, towards myself and everyone else, for our humanity, mistakes, lapses and failures. I don't want to judge or condemn anyone anymore. It's all human, and therefore all God, all Life, all part of what is, whether I like it or not. I don't want to waste any more energy in superfluous judgment, fear, blame, condemnation, resentments or hatred towards anyone or anything for being as they are. It's a waste, it accomplishes nothing but wasted time. I want to keep moving into forgiveness and acceptance towards it all. I want to let it all go and be. I want to move through this life as is, however that may be.

Beauty seems to be very important to me. I don't know why exactly. Sometimes it's fine but sometimes I don't trust where it's coming from and my ideas about what's beautiful. I can't put my finger on it yet but there's something immature and incomplete about it. There's something being obscured beneath its sheen. I trust it'll come to light in time as I give it more attention.

If I'm not well rested and fed, I'm much more likely to lapse into programmed reactivity. It still takes energy and presence of mind to stay centered and sharp. I'm going to continue prioritizing plenty of sleep and nourishing meals. If I don't get enough sleep I tend to overcompensate with more/sugary meals and compulsive activity/chatter so sleep is the main priority. I'll aim to wake up whenever my body decides it's time to and to rest whenever it's tired. If I have to get up I will but no more pushing it unnecessarily, whenever possible.

Animals bring so much life and personality to environments. Both their unique quirks and programmed instincts are charming to watch and engage with. It feels like my appreciation of them has matured, though there's still room for more. I noticed a kind of solemn appreciation towards them both as delightfully complex, intelligent and loving beings and as providers/sources of food. It was interesting to feel an increasing capacity and willingness to hold multiple aspects as I spent time with them, without the old sense of guilt or conflict.

It takes time to get to know people, really know them. There's still so much I don't know about myself yet, so what do I really know of others? What I think I know about them is more likely to be composed of superficial and fleeting judgments. We're all shielding ourselves from each other much of the time, often without even really meaning to or noticing. Best to keep this in mind and stay open.

I want to make meditation more of a priority. Ironically skipped it today to shop before they got busy. My true priorities revealed. Nonetheless, my appreciation for it has been strengthened. Overall it remains one of the most valuable optional things I could "do" on a daily basis. Luckily I came across a book during my stay that introduced a technique that I can put into practice whenever/wherever which was also synchronistically validated shortly after. I'll trust that it's the next right step in deepening.

Despite being intrinsically linked with others, in a sense we're all here on our own trips. It isn't right to claim anyone as anything to me. It's best to appreciate whatever others happen to bring while fully respecting their autonomy as individuals. Acknowledging this somehow also increases my own sense of inner freedom and strength. There's something childish about latching onto others as extensions of myself - my this and my that. Nobody is my anything, they're all just friends and fellow travellers on this mysterious journey across the abyss.

It was good to be in a new environment trying new things. On several occasions I found myself thinking "wow I suck at this/I can't do this" and shortly after doing much better with a bit of repetition/practice. By the end I felt more confident that I could just handle whatever it was even if I felt unprepared or incompetent at first, and I was right. It seems I'm more capable than my thoughts tend to suggest.

Sources of discomfort really are relative. If a place tends to be spotless, seeing minor things out of place will seem bothersome. But if the place is generally cluttered and messy, it's more likely to be accepted as such without discomfort. If bugs are all over the place and it can't really be helped, they don't seem like such a big deal. If I'm expecting to wake up each morning with fresh bites, they don't seem so bad. If I know my clothes are probably going to get ruined, rips and stains are basically unnoticable. While I'm at home these kinds of things would feel a lot more bothersome. It was interesting to experience the contrasts.