better

Many thoughts this morning. Where to start...

I've been reflecting back on what used to give me a sense of value and purpose. It had a lot to do with other people. Much of my energy went towards being a positive presence to those around me. I tended to see the best in others and would encourage it whenever I could, using my own energy and outlooks to nurture what stood out to me as unique or beautiful while dispelling doubts and fears. It was like a hidden unconscious motive I had towards everyone - I'm going to help you without you even noticing.

Somewhere along the way I realized that in focusing so much on potential I was often ignoring or downplaying harmful qualities. It led to a lot of shitty situations that could've been avoided if I'd accepted others for who they were right then. Maybe I got hurt too many times and started to close off and become cautious too. Something holds me back now, tells me that it's none of my business. Not to mention that my own life needs the attention I've been giving away. Whatever I experienced in others applies just as much to myself but I've been too preoccupied to see and address it.

There was also a point when I became determined to help others by sharing what had helped me. Some of what I'd learned and realized was so huge for me that I was compelled to share it with everyone. But it's not really so simple. You can't just convey these things with words. It seems to take some incalculable personal and interpersonal events to bring certain insights to fruition, and then some more to be able to share them in ways that others will receive. Words on their own aren't enough and can sometimes do more harm than good.

Even with this recent foray into zen/mahayana buddhism. If I had found it when I was younger, the bodhisattva ideal would have captivated the hell out of me. I was so determined to transcend, to be better, to improve and to bring others along with me. But finding it more recently had me filled with skepticism and doubts. Vowing to return for countless lifetimes to liberate all beings when I myself still suffer and cause suffering? It's a noble thought but it seemed absurd to make such a promise without proper insight and understanding, and no one around me vowing the same seemed any more qualified. It was funny sometimes because I could see myself in some of the ideals we were supposed to be working towards, and others could too. But there's so much more to a person than what you see. I can be as filled with doubt, insecurity, irritation and selfishness as anything else and whatever so-called positive qualities I have can be all coiled up in fears and inhibitions. So who am I to try to help others? Can I really claim that authority?

I've been feeling distinctly less motivated to change or improve the world, or even to discuss apparently important issues. I'm losing interest in changing or improving myself too. As far as I'm increasingly concerned, it is what it is, people are who they are and I am what I am. Trying to make everything better and become this perfected version of myself has turned out to be futile. When it comes down to it I'm very much on my own trip. I can't fit into any ideals - not my own or those of religion or society or anyone else. I never have, not without repressing or sacrificing whole big chunks of who I am. So why continue striving for it?

It's all hubris and denial in the end. Is there anything more egotistical than thinking oneself qualified to improve things in such fundamental ways? Rejecting everything, essentially saying that it's not good enough as it is, it's not perfect enough for me, I know what would be best and it's certainly not this. How common is it to get these vibes from people? That they're looking down their nose and tutting sadly at everything and everyone around them? As if they're better than it all? How often is that true, as opposed to them being as dysfunctional as all the rest of it? How often are they contributing to the apparent ugliness without realizing?

Maybe this is me throwing in another towel. It probably sounds negative but I don't think it really is. It's just more bullshit being let go of.