intrinsic

The more I consider it, the more strange it seems that any free human need ever subjugate themselves to any other human being, institution or belief system. Why would this be necessary or wise? Don't we all start off as squishy, pissing, shitting, barfing babies and die basically the same? Aren't we all fallible, imperfect creatures that spawned into a mysterious world which we have to learn about as we go, until eventually leaving it never knowing for sure what it all was?

And yet it's baked into the system in so many ways. From cradle to grave we're continuously pledging allegiance, making vows, signing contracts and generally giving power over our minds and bodies away to people, groups and ideas.

Beyond pure practicality and necessity, why do this? Why give an outside force this kind of access and control over mind and body? Why give that away? Why not move through life with my own intelligence? Why not explore, come to my own ideas and take my own chances? Why let something outside of me decide what's right, true and important for me?

The reasons, I think, basically come down to programming. We're conditioned to see it as the right thing to do to put our trust, power and autonomy in the hands of certain figures. It's the responsible thing to do, the sensible thing to do, the smart thing to do, the normal thing to do. But why, at any point in my life, should I decide to stop remaining open to the possibility that others might be wrong and that one or both of us might not have the full picture? Why decide to accept someone else's answers and leave it at that? Because it's logically coherent and compelling? Because it's comforting? Because it makes me feel a certain way? Is that all it takes?

In the last talk I sat in at the temple I used to attend and almost moved into, the priest told a story about a fish that got caught in a net for a while but jumped out before being killed. Before ending the talk a question was asked - was the fish a fool for getting caught in the net, or was it wise for eventually noticing it was tangled in a net and jumping out in time?

That story can be interpreted in different ways but in that moment, I saw myself in that fish and the net as the people, institutions and belief systems I had almost given myself to before deciding to remain autonomous and to continue trusting in my own mind. Which at the time was telling me to stay open and keep looking.

I'm not saying I did the right thing, or even that there was a wrong or right thing to do. I just made a choice. Ultimately it was a choice to put myself and my own capacities first. Even though it left me swimming the ocean alone again.

Even as a kid my thinking was essentially the same - why should I believe you? How do you know you're right? What I was being told often didn't make sense to me, but I was naive and didn't trust myself so I obeyed. But the truth is and always was that none of the people imposing their ideas or will upon me knew a damn thing. The truth is they often just benefitted from having influence over me.

As time goes on I'm finding that it's far more sensible to put my faith in innate, intrinsic forces over external ones. My own mind, my own heart, my own intuition, my own body, my own intelligence, my own wisdom, especially when they're expressing resistance or hesitation towards something outside. These internal forces are the only ones that I can know with certainty truly have my greatest good in mind without any other agenda (discounting conditioned thoughts and their associated feelings, which are basically internalized external forces). I can continue engaging with the world without giving it greater authority than my own processes.

Trusting in intrinsic forces naturally leads to another sensible approach as well, which is to remain open to the possibilities. Because none of these innate systems ever give a final answer. They're continuously unfolding, evolving and mysterious, just like life itself.