spirituality

Many disparate thoughts today. Thankful to have this outlet to offload them from my headspace.

First off, I expect the quality of what I write here is going to...change. I seem to have entered a new season. I feel differently about some things, including my foray into spirituality over the past few years. I didn't consciously realize it but in some ways I've been trying to force myself into certain ways of thinking and being. It was just a new version of what I've always done - morphing myself to fit external ideals and expectations. It occured to me recently what a load of bollocks that is (watched some british tv the other day).

As I see it in this moment - which may very well change in the next but so it goes - spiritual teachings are primarily a way to dissolve and go beneath/beyond conditioned belief systems. Once a certain depth of insight is reached much of it can be let go of. This can prove to be tricky though. Because of the void left behind from the dissolution of the old along with how rich and impactful these spiritual systems can be there's a huge temptation to make a new identity out of them. Rather than identifying as the socialized self, identifying as the one who's gone beyond the socialized self. Rather than acting through the conventional persona, wearing the persona of the unconventional. Same thing different package. I fell into this too in my own ways. Maybe not as visibly as some but I was still holding myself to the standards I was reading about, often wanting and trying to be more like the ideals in these stories.

I remembered recently that actually, real spirituality is being however I am. As everything else in creation, I'm part of God/nature manifesting in the world. So why should I be some other way? Why should I be perfectly meditative and loving and compassionate and all that if it's not how I am in a given moment/situation? If that's not what unfolds?

So whatever emerges lately, I've been letting it be. The conflicting thoughts and judgements still come in but they've been abating more quickly. For example, the other day I found myself acting in ways that I've condemned for a while. Being a bit phony I guess, less than completely authentic and genuine. Just kind of going into a more socially conventional persona for the duration of an interaction. And I reflected on it afterwards and just smiled at it. Like okay, that's what happened. So be it. That's part of me/God/life too. And if I'm not feeling good feelings for whatever reason, so be it. And if I have some inner conflict before I accept it and move on, so be that too. Basically trusting what happens rather than judging and criticizing myself after the fact for not having met internalized expectations. I felt relieved, happy and amused at the shift in thought process and feeling. Like wow, it's really okay to just be the way I am? To let things play out without imposing control or judgements afterwards? What a concept...

Another aspect of letting go of conditioned belief systems is the opportunity to allow natural instincts to emerge, possibly for the first time since childhood. This creates an opening to re-experience and re-define my innate values. Which, again, is far closer to God/nature than anything I could read in a book. All the data coming from within, from the Source itself - prior to being filtered/distorted and verbally expelled through the minds of others. How much closer to God/nature/truth can I get? I'm going to stay curious and open for a while and see what my body tells me is right and wrong.

What else? Oh yeah, it's nice to be getting ideas of things I want to do. There isn't much but that's okay. I don't need to be so busy and interesting. I don't need to try so hard. I've been trying too hard my whole life when my baseline is already enough, so it just becomes too much. I was thinking earlier how much I ended up like my mom in that way. She's always been pretty, talented and capable but extremely self-critical. It made me sad for her. Others could see and appreciate her while she would be picking away at herself and doing way too much for scraps of approval and reassurance from a bunch of assholes and ingrates. It took a surprisingly long time to notice that I had become the same way.

I want to continue relaxing into myself. There isn't much that needs to be done. A decent income, projects and hobbies, taking care of the bod, cultivating the mind and otherwise continuing to learn and explore. The groundwork for a good life. And along the way, continual acceptance and letting go.

That's another thing. I decided to stop resisting the ways of the world, however it unfolds. I'm going to continue my efforts to do what feels best to me but I won't begrudge the movements of the world or the choices of others, even if I think they're stupid. I'm going to focus on doing my thing in this crazy world and enjoying what comes in the ways that I choose, with as little fear and as much acceptance as I can muster.

And if I do want to shit on it once in a while, that's okay too. If God wants to shit on Himself through this vessel, so be it!