interrupted

Watched Mulholland Drive for the first time the other day. Afterwards I searched up analyses and came across one that went into detail about some aspects of Jungian psychology. One part detailed how if healthy ego development is interrupted or suppressed in childhood, the ego can end up becoming stunted and overidentified with the persona that's created to suit the environment instead.

I think that's what happened to me. Instead of growing into my own personhood (my ego), I grew into what was required of me (my persona). For most of my life I've looked outside of myself for approval and adjusted myself accordingly. It was almost automatic. And because of qualities like my sensitivity, hypervigilance and adaptability, I could easily hone in on the reactions of others and pretty much adjust myself on the fly to become whatever was required of me. I'd say that up until a few years ago I put most of my energy towards refining this process and version of myself. It's only in the past few years that I've shifted towards reducing the importance of others' feelings and opinions and developing the ego that was left behind. It seems to have pretty much waited where I left it as a kid.

For a while I was focusing on the "transcending ego" aspects of spirituality but that ended up being the wrong course for me. I think that's because it can't really be transcended until it's been fully developed. What I had to do was go back and allow it to grow. That's why, in the span of the past couple years, it's almost like I've been going through stages of adolescence that I should have long ago but didn't. At the same time I've had to be the parent that I needed back then to allow it to fluorish. It's pretty amazing that I'm able to play all these parts within myself, including the one that watches it all.

I've been seeing lately how once I allow these aspects of myself that I've repressed to have their time in the light, they can be let go of afterwards without tension. Even things that create conflict in my life - it's like they need to be expressed first. Once they're out, then the tension is gone and I can just decide not to express them anymore or the impulse to fades. But if I do decide not to, it's more of a mature, conscious decision based in love than one based in fear of judgment or rejection. I'm not condeming myself or the quality, I may just decide it's not necessary to share it in that particular setting or relationship.

It seems like the psyche knows what it's doing. As long as I continue to make room to explore and express, what needs to develop will likely find its way.