false self deprogramming strategy

Become more aware of the roles that shame and fear play in your everyday life; when you evade or hide certain things or are generally not fully being yourself. Get into the habit of asking yourself why. Shame may be there in certain areas because these aspects of who you are (or were) were not validated/accepted or were actively rejected by important people in your life while growing up, which subconsciously made you believe that they should be suppressed in order for you to be loved and accepted (mainly negative programming from mom n dad etc). This was often unintentional and unconscious on the side of the perpetrators but ended up causing lasting damage, as these external voices from childhood became internalized as "negative self talk" and are now preventing you from comfortably expressing certain aspects of yourself. When this discomfort arises, you are likely to suppress and alter the true expression of your thoughts and feelings and instead project something that your mind convinces you that you "should" say or do, or you might evade or lie/say not-quite fully true things to avoid the negative feelings and perceived consequences of expressing your truth. This can all happen very quickly, almost automatically.

You are reacting to internalized shaming thought patterns and hiding your full true self out of fear (primarily of rejection/abandonment). As a result, you end up feeling a degree of alienation and loneliness no matter how positive many of your interactions seem on the surface. In your attempts to avoid external rejection, you end up rejecting and abandoning yourself, thereby making it impossible for others to fully connect and see you in the first place. In conflict situations this can often take the guise of "not wanting to hurt the other person" and "trying to be kind", which seems to be good but the avoidance of truth involved in not wanting to momentarily hurt the other ends up causing more pain in the long run, as the hurt feelings remain but now go unacknowledged, which furthers the likelihood of a rift in the relationship.

The possibility of true connection is prevented as the other person is interacting with certain phantoms you're projecting, which you reactively create because the prospect of rejection and abandonment seem devastating to the wounded child inside who felt these things themself and adapted (and understandably felt afraid, as children are helpless and dependant on their caregivers to survive and to learn about what's right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable etc). Whereas the reality of rejection as an adult is objectively not a big deal, since you are now capable of sustaining and nurturing yourself and can decide for yourself which directions to move in. You know from experience by now that you will be fine even if you are rejected, that it is just another person in a sea of billions, and you can now let that knowing guide your actions instead of fear.

Strategies to move past this:

First of all, acknowledge that there is nothing about anyone that is worth shaming or feeling ashamed of. Everyone is simply unique, they are who they are and they should be accepted. As long as their actions aren't hurting anyone then they should be allowed to be that way. Everyone should not be the same, liking and disliking the same things, acting the same way and doing the same things, or the world would be a boring shitshow. One of the most beautiful things about human beings is our enormous capacity for individuality and creative self expression and that should be embraced and allowed space to flower in as many different ways as possible. Accept and anticipate that not everyone will understand or accept your differences; that is fine and has nothing to do with you.

Expand your circle. Be around those who will accept different parts of you and who embrace the same things your heart does, and slowly let these things into the light in every area of your life. This will loosen the grip of your unconscious fears and help you embrace your total self. You will start to become more whole, unfractured, real. This will be helpful in the beginning because of the deep programming to seek external validation and acceptance, but eventually it will no longer feel necessary. Be honest with yourself, and do not be ashamed; not everyone feels like they need this kind of encouragement to feel safe to be themselves, and that is beautiful, but most people do to some extent as they explore and come to terms with their nature beyond former social roles. It is also a good opportunity to connect and grow with others.

Become very observant of yourself while interacting with other people. Catch yourself when you're being evasive or diminishing, and try your best to be fully honest in those moments. Do it over and over until there is no more reactive withdrawal or shifting. Tell people more details about yourself when you can. Be unapologetic and direct.

Start being as conscious and alert with daily habits as possible (eating, sleeping, watching, listening, scrolling, reactive patterns, false smiling, white lies, forced conversation). Ask yourself why you're doing these things. This will help you observe yourself and rewire unhelpful patterns where necessary. Discipline will be necessary for a while. List the optimum ways to mindfully do each of these things and paste them on the wall to look at daily to help prevent falling into old patterns.

Resist the urge to "act normal" and to try to fit in. Don't just react the way you've always been reacting, don't default to being casual/unconscious, don't say what you think you should say or that you think someone wants to hear. Pause and look inward, and say whatever you are really thinking or feeling. This may be awkward in some situations at first and will need to be practiced for a while until it becomes more natural and loose. Be okay with any awkwardness and be gentle with yourself, but firm and consistent.

Catch yourself when you're comparing yourself to someone else and drop it immediately. Allow yourself the space to be who you are right now; accept and embrace yourself as a growing, learning phenomenon. If you admire a quality in someone else, acknowledge that to yourself and work towards it without any shame or guilt. Consider asking the person for advice. Don't put too high a value on any one quality and lose touch with the full picture of yourself and others.

Acknowledge the things you like to do when no one's around. Write them down, bring them into the light. These are expressions of your true nature.

If you don't want to talk about something then say so, but don't lie or evade. Be very alert when shame arises in you, even in small ways. Don't hide the shows you watch, the music you listen to, the books you read, the things you like and do. Don't lie about yourself. Be true to yourself, even if it feels "shameful". Be shameful then! At least it will be real.

Be patient. Forgive yourself for not being where you want to be, and for failing at any of this again and again. All that matters at this point is that you're more aware now and working on embracing yourself. Indulging in bitterness, resentment, regret or shame about your shame will only perpetuate it and inhibit the process of moving forward. Decide that you are done with these feelings; they have done nothing good for you.

When an unpleasant feeling arises, pause when you can and just feel the feeling. Don't label or judge it or push it away or rationalize it. Let the energy of anxiety, fear, shame, anger, guilt or whatever it is be there and run through you. Don't act on any thoughts that may be running through your mind, any urges to act or distract. Just let the sensations be in your body. This will help the energy work it's way through and out. They are just old, worn out feelings, and they don't have to control your actions anymore. When the energetic charge starts to fade and your mind quiets down again, acknowledge whatever it was that triggered it and let the feeling go. Do this over and over; you may have years worth of suppressed feelings working their way to the surface. It will take time to let it all go.

Acknowledge when these feelings cause you to do or say things that generate more negative feelings. Feel these too, then Forgive Yourself and Let It Go.

Be as kind, gentle, and compassionate to yourself as possible at all times. If you catch yourself mentally beating yourself up after messing up, correct it immediately to a more nurturing, reassuring voice and remind yourself that this is a process and you can try again next time. See each mistake as an opening to see yourself more clearly.

Don't be afraid to reinvent yourself, to present an updated version of yourself to the world. Don't feel like you have to stay clinging to old paradigms, beliefs, behaviours, or things you said or did in the past as you uncover more of yourself. If someone points out a contradiction, acknowledge that your feelings have changed, without any guilt or shame. You are evolving and learning in every moment; if something no longer resonates, you can let it go.

In the majority of cases it is only your own thoughts holding you back, not reality. None of this is fixed, it is just unhelpful programming and can be changed. Some effort will just be needed for a while until it becomes natural.