longing

Another morning of emotional purging. This time feelings of longing and loneliness.

I rarely acknowledge these kinds of feelings in myself anymore. Spent a good chunk of my youth drowning in them though. They're so human, and I've become so self sufficient. I've learned to comfort and be there for myself, but one thing I can't quite give myself the way others could are simple acts of physical affection.

I mean, I can hug myself but it's not really the same. There seems to be something in the body that just yearns for it, to really let go into the arms of another without reservation. To know that it's safe to. It felt to me like the pain went pretty deep. Early childhood deep. So it makes sense if I became numb to it. It must've become part of my default operating state. A gnawing that was always present but out of sight, humming silently in the unconscious.

I acknowledged, accepted and stayed with the feelings until I got out all I could. Actually a pretty refreshing way to start the day...