dec2

So much of life is just contending with what is and what happens. Most of it really. I didn't choose any of this, at least as far as I can tell. The world is just here as it is and continues to evolve as it does, just as I came out of this world as I am and continue to evolve as I do. Every moment my unfolding is intersecting with those around me. I'm sitting on a chair made by someone else, held up on a floor in a house made by someone else, typing into a keyboard made by someone else, into a program made by someone else, all of us held in place and connected by invisible forces that were just here upon arrival. This body/mind is constantly interfacing with the beings, forces and creations around me, all across time and space, all of us influencing one another indefinitely. It's baffling to try to wrap my head around all the layers of impossibility and improbability, baffling that it all works as it does.

Lately I've had some aspects of myself and my life come into awareness that are both grounding and destabilizing. I know by now that anything that feels destabalizing is likely pointing to something false in my ego structure, while the grounding parts are those that are more likely to be real and true. I've been feeling appreciation for myself in some ways, and insecurity in others. Insecurity is an illusion, that I know, but the feelings it evokes are real. Feeling not good enough, even knowing that that's a foolish perspective that rests on comparison of apparent qualities, stemming from inherited beliefs of insufficientness. Thoughts in the mind that evoke uncomfortable feelings in the body and cripple what could otherwise be a relaxed and beautiful expression of being, shining in the light of acceptance and love. The beliefs, thoughts and feelings that insecurities generate distort my perception of myself and others in such a way that I feel either more or less than, and lose sight of what makes everyone/thing unique and perfectly itself.

I want to appreciate who/what I am and who/what's around me. It's all so beautiful and amazing when I'm able to see it as it is. I don't want to reject who/what I am in order to be more like someone/thing else. If for no other reason than because it doesn't work - it's an exercise in futility, I know this by now. No matter what the programmed superficial ego might prefer, I am who/what I am and will always be some version of that. That's not going to change for as long as I'm me. The only way to really change in a fundamental way, rather than merely acting different for a time, is to continue growing into more and more of who/what I am while letting go of what I'm not, including these insecurities and comparisons. It's to continue maturing and embracing myself and what is, to continue growing into my own self in this world.

And I guess, for the moment, the only way to move through my insecurities and self doubt is to accept that they're there and to feel the feelings they're generating. Not to run away from or act on them, but just to say okay, I see you, I feel you, I know you're not true but I'm with you, neither believing nor turning away from you. And then wait, and see what emerges in the space left behind once the feelings are processed and integrated. I won't know it until it happens - there's no way to. Chances are I won't even become conscious of whatever changes are taking place until I look back in a few years and see how much I've grown into those spaces.

Today, let me not try to be someone/thing I'm not. Let me come to rest in myself and accept myself as I am, and bring forth my own true self as it is. So I might finally come into harmony with what's within and around me.