happier

I wonder if I could get away with wandering as I wish through life? Is there any harm in it? Is there any real downside other than the brief discomfort of potential judgement?

The more I look into things like happiness, success, fullfillment etc, the more I'm coming to find that it doesn't seem to matter what the external circumstances are. Attaining what I imagine to be an amazing life wouldn't necessarily make life better. As far as I can tell, it all comes down to perspective.

One of the biggest conflict points in my mind involves relationships. I can feel so much friction and discomfort when I'm with certain people. But if I'm really being objective, if I can detach from my expectations and projections, ie "I would be happier if they were more like this", a belief which apparently is not true, then the conclusion is simply that the real culprit is my own interpretations and responses. It's not the way anyone is, it's what I'm perceiving and how I'm reacting. I could respond a hundred different ways to any situation but I'm unconsciously compelled to interpret and react to some in a predictably negative way. "Their/my words were bad, their/my actions were bad, things would be better if they/I were more like this instead." All of this, as it turns out, is bullshit. It's far more likely at this point that the external situation/person just triggers dormant unhappiness in me. Feelings that are already there and being momentarily brought to the surface.

The core issue is this deluded perception that if the external circumstances were different, then I would be happier. If my work situation was different, then I would be happier. If I or other people were different, then I would be happier. And that's simply not the case. None of those things intrinsically mean anything - unless I believe they do. There are people with relatively terrible families who are happy just as there are people with relatively great families who are unhappy. There are people with relatively terrible jobs who are happy just as there are people with relatively great jobs who are unhappy. There are happy and unhappy people wherever you go regardless of personal qualities or circumstances. So what is it?

It seems to depend mainly on the perception of the individual and how they're interpreting and responding to what they're confronted with. It's also a matter of timing, since happiness comes and goes to a degree or can even be purely a matter of belief. Maybe some of them accept their situation completely and they're happy with that. Maybe some of them actively want to change their situation and they're happy with that. Maybe some of them completely up-end their situation and they're happy with that. The external situation isn't the cause of the happiness, it's just another collection of factors being engaged with from either a happy or unhappy perspective.

What that means is that I could accept my situation happily and choose to respond to it differently. To stop trying to change everything and return to enjoying what's available. Because anything I could do or change wouldn't change my internal state, only my external circumstances. The form would change but not how I feel, not in any lasting sense.

For some time now I've been trying to change things. And I have changed some things, improved some things, but am I happier? I don't think I am. Sometimes maybe, in some ways, but in other ways and at other times I feel worse. It basically balances out. On average I have more peace but less fun, more discipline but less spontaneity, more time but less connection. It all balances out.

So, if I can get past my judgements and feelings - feelings of shame, guilt, fear, obligation, regret - and just accepted and approached whatever the hell is the case without worrying about what people think of me, what could happen, what has happened, what I say, what I do or don't do, fulfilling some checklist of a life worth living. Not worrying about anything. Just making the most of what already is the case. Knowing that regardless of the external form, it all balances out on an internal level. Why not go that route and enjoy? Why go through a whole elaborate trip when I've seen countless examples and experienced for myself that it doesn't go anywhere except right back to default transience? Why not make the most of things as they are, even with the conflicts and problems and traumas and disappointments? Why get caught up in some delusion that my happiness is waiting in some ideal other scenario?

It's beginning to look like no matter how things are, I'll never potentially be any happier than I could be right now. If that's so, then why not wander happily?