backwards

I haven't fully wrapped my head around this yet but I find myself regularly returning to the experience of everything in this world being backwards or reversed somehow. However something appears, that's to conceal how it really is. Whatever someone says, that's to conceal how they really feel. Whatever someone or something does, that's to conceal how they really are.

Whatever the senses encounter is essentially deceptive. Whether in the form of appearances, sounds, words or sensations. But the sensory experience is so compelling and visceral that it has a hypnotic effect on the mind. To me it's like flickering in and out of a dream. I'll be in the experience of sensing whatever it is, be it a person speaking or a movie playing or something being eaten, and I'll flick in and out of awareness of it's dual nature. Who's really there behind the words, clothing and roles? What's really being conveyed in these scenes? What's really happening beyond the surface sensations?

It took a long time for me to even start realizing some of it. I used to deny my intuition and take things at face value, people at their word and situations as presented. It was a shock to realize how much duplicity there was in the world and in my life. And then some more to recognize how I participate in it, often unconsciously since even the mind conceals from itself. The concious concealing the unconscious. I'm still coming to terms with all of it and working out what's what.

But everything is turning out to be like that. The people with more sensitivity seem more unfeeling. Those with more love seem more indifferent. Those with more compassion seem more detached. Those with more intelligence seem more bewildered. There may be exceptions but I continue to encounter these seeming contradictions over time and exposure, as well as their reverse. Even with things like foods and sensations. The more pleasurable and intense foods and substances tend to be more harmful. It's taken time to adjust to the mildness of that which is actually good for me. That mildness of what turns out to be good and true seems to be a pattern as well.