anger

One thing about the repetitive groundhog's day nature of the past 2 years is that it's given me clear memories of different moods I've had in this room. There have been mornings I've woken up feeling clear, blissful and alive, full of gratitude and happiness just to see the rays of sunlight shining through the blinds. I'd wake up, smile, jump out of bed and start dancing to something before happily going about my day. Lately though, I've been feeling pretty anxious and joyless. A lot of anger coming up too, anger that I thought I'd gotten out of my system.

I spent a good chunk of the past few days fuming about some things that I just couldn't get out of my head. I was starting to get really impatient with it, feeling crazy as always when anger overtakes me like this, when suddenly things clicked into place. Realizations about the nature of my relationship with the people who triggered my anger. Fresh understandings of things I hadn't recognized in them and in myself.

Once again, I recognized ways that I'd been giving my power away and allowing myself to be mistreated and manipulated. Once again, the anger activated in me as a sort of psychic defense mechanism, an attempt by the psyche to repel the invaders and put them in their proper place. The solution in the moment of anger can appear to be a strong negative reaction against the other parties but all that's really needed is detachment and a redirection of attention. For me to stop placing the feelings and needs of others above my own and to make sure that I'm prioritizing and taking care of myself.

The anger was showing me changes that needed to happen in my own attitude and responses, not just in this situation but in general. The thoughts were directed towards the other people involved, judgemental and righteously angry thoughts, but this time, sometimes while looking in the mirror of all places, I continuously recognized that "oh shit, I do that too. I'm like that too."

I was repulsed by what I saw in them and in myself. It seems like I keep recognizing more and more ways I've been deluded and shitty. At this point it's become almost a relief to find them though. While articulating my realizations I was laughing to myself, saying "fuck them, and fuck me too!"