onward

Today I'm feeling how devastating the awakening process can be, and how relentless life is in its determination to move one way and one way only.

There's no going back. There's no returning to the sense of structure and solidity my old illusions provided. Even the painful ones served some purpose in shielding me from aspects of reality that were even more painful to face. It's strange and confounding to consider the minds capacity for denial and self-deception.

Some memories are crossing my mind and I'm aching at the fact that those times are gone forever. At the same time, there's beauty in their transience. It's as wondrous as it is horrifying. It's like flower petals are fluttering across my face while I'm being punched in the gut.

One of the hardest parts is that in waking up from my illusions, my presence and behaviors have the effect of disturbing those of others. This is because I can only sincerely prop up shared illusions if I'm immersed in them myself. If not, just the fact that I'm moving in a different way without validating and reinforcing them through participation and expected patterns/roleplaying cracks their solidity. And honestly, it can feel cruel sometimes.

In a way, I've lived most of my life upholding and reinforcing the illusions of those around me. This was mostly done unconsciously through using my personality in certain ways - being validating, reassuring, supportive, entertaining, positive, uplifting, all that feel-good stuff. That's part of why people liked me so much - I supported their illusions and helped make them more pleasant and beautiful. Since I've stepped back from that, it's caused a lot of disturbance to those close to me. In moving towards truth and away from the illusions we've shared, I'm leaving a big gaping hole in our former constructs and forcing them to face formerly veiled aspects of reality too.

This was something that I went through after meeting someone who outgrew and stopped playing along with our shared illusions. It destroyed me in a way, and now I'm doing the same to others. I understand and appreciate what I went through now, and also see that it's a completely impersonal and ultimately beneficial process, but considering it still stirs some complicated feelings. Sadness is in there for sure, and compassion. I can't blame any of them for trying to hang on. I just hope they can eventually let go.

I couldn't fault them if not. I'm well aware that I'm still dreaming too, so there are things I'm apparently not ready to face. Considering it today I had to ask myself, do I really want this? Do I really want to stop dreaming and wake up?

Ultimately, want didn't feel like the right word for it. It's more like a drive. Regardless, one way or another, the end of this dream is coming.

So onward, onward we row! For what awaits on the other shore.